I submitted my nude folio and I wish I had recorded the verbal feedback so that I could hear it again. I wish I could remember the morsels of positivity that my subconscious says I received or.....am I imagining that?
My internal dialogue asks, "Did I bite off more than I could chew? Was I over-ambitious/over-confident?"
Coming up to presentation, I was feeling excited - proud even - for finishing what I started. It was a difficult concept, a difficult topic and I'm not one to back down from a good challenge. I don't give excuses and I despise people who do that. As Yoda says "Do or do not - there is no try". None of this "I couldn't do it because....." crap - it annoys me when I hear others utter it. And I did....I made it happen.........but obviously not as well as I thought.
I can't believe I've taken the feedback so personally and so sensitively because it's all I can think about. It's all I'm brooding about and it's all I'm feeling sorry for myself about. Yet, I know that it wasn't as bad as I'm making it out to be. I'm turning a bull-ant into a huge monster in my own head....
So now I'm questionning if I'm doing the right thing. Should I just leave this at the hobby level? What am I really expecting to happen? That I'll become this brilliant and successful photographer and all this self-pity will be laughable in retrospect?
And it doesn't matter how many people (who love me) tell me how good my photography is, it's not hitting the target. Of course, they're going to say that - they love me.
I'm not sure what I wanted to hear.....I'm not sure if I might have heard it. I wasn't expecting accolades but I wasn't expecting the slashing that it felt like.
Two assessors: playing bad cop/good cop. My tutor, Neil was the good cop - Craig was the bad cop. Now, at the risk of marginalising Neil's comments, he tends to ice the cake, no matter what it tastes like - it's what he does. He soothes and pacifies - he has his repertoire of encouraging comments and you can almost see him flicking through his invisible book of appropriate feedback so as not to crush/maim/wound because 1) he doesn't want to stifle creativity and 2) he doesn't want to frighten students away - afterall it is a business, running the PSC. Yet underneath, I sometimes see the look of boredom of yet another nude, yet another landscape, yet another blah blah blah ...... and that's when I smile because I know what he's up to. You can see that he wants to say "Look, you take a NICE photo but why don't you just leave it at hobby stage?" but he can't say that. But you know he wants to......
So, is that what he did for me? "First of all, let me say CONGRATULATIONS...." and I can only remember bits and pieces of the rest because all I could hear - on high rotation - were Craig's remarks and with every replay, they became more and more caustic............and I know they weren't really as bad as that. But like a dividing cell, this thing is growing exponentially with my hurt.
It felt like I had finally given birth, and he called my baby 'ugly'.
This was Tuesday and it's now Thursday and I'm doing my best to talk myself out of the cave. It's just a photographic folio - it's not the end of the world - but my party balloon has deflated, my fireworks have fizzled and my cake has sunk in the middle. And it hurts.....
I wear my heart on my sleeve - it's who I am so you may think this outpouring is a tad public and a tad melodramatic but this blog is called exactly that - Honest Exposures.
As is my way, I'll get over this. I know I'll pass this Semester so that's not the worry.
I'll get over this. Probably by Friday.............maybe Saturday.
