So Alex announced she's pregnant shortly after her 21st birthday and not in the most ideal circumstances. As honesty is my internal tattoo, I have to say that I was gutted. I had made some pretty tight sacrifices with my own life so that she could have a "better" one and this situation was everything I feared and yet, here it was, right in my face - breaking my heart to pieces. Yes, I sat on the floor of my bathroom and cried for three days. My tears were not for me, they were for her and for a life I felt she was cutting short to accept a situation that was unprepared and unplanned for. I had trouble accepting her decision to keep the baby but soldiered on because what other choice did I have? Watching her pregnancy develop and progress was even harder for me as there came a point when I knew there was no turning back. And that day arrived and I did what I had to do which was go about healing the wound in my heart and be there for her.
Then my Mum, healthy as all hell, had a massive heart attack and rocked our worlds. This, too, wasn't expected and if Alex's news pulled the rug out from under me, Mum's heart attack dropped a hole in the floor and I felt like I was falling through it. I had moments where I watched my life from the outside and I do remember thinking "THIS is not MY life". I had not planned on any of this and there was a point where life got too busy and complicated and I DID wonder how I got through each day.
Fast forward to November 16. My Mum is slowly recovering from open heart surgery which went really well but the recovery, didn't go as well as planned. So complications started arising as did the tail end of Alex's pregnancy. Pre-eclampsia and all it's wondrous complications started to rear its ugly head. I spent days driving to work, to one hospital with Alex, to another where my Mum was. Came home, slammed my body into deep sleep and started all over again.
And then life changed! I was with Alex through her labour, the plethora of tests she had, the tears she cried....and finally the birth of her first baby and I cannot find sufficient words to say how my heart swelled with pride for her when she bore Cohen into our world, into our family, into my heart. I was scared for her as she was in terrible pain and fear but I also knew we were a team and no matter what happened, we'd get through this together......and we did.
I can't remember much else about 2012 because these two things took up the majority of my worry, my concern, my fear, my happiness, my joy, my elation and that kinda eclipsed any other memories. I'm sure I did other things - Sydney for my sister's 40th birthday (oh yes, there WAS the spa incident - it's coming back to me) and there was the gorgeous long weekend down the Murray River in South Australia with my Contiki mates from 25 years ago (I think the boobs were aired there too....).
So now, life is about changing nappies and burping little Pinkle Nuts and, as obsessed as I am with him, life will ever be the same again. My Mum and Dad are besotted, my maternally bankrupt sister is addicted and stupidly in love, my son had just melted and gone gooey over his namesake. That all our lives have changed for the better for the arrival of our beautiful boy, Cohen, is a gross understatement.
A new love has grown. A new and brilliant reason to be happy. To watch my Mum and Dad's faces light up when Cohen visits them? PRICELESS! They're reduced to mushy slush and there is an air of purity around all of us - like the reason we were all created in the first place was to provide a soft landing for him, all along. Like we're in a force field of love and worries, fears and angers cannot penetrate this space where Cohen is and we are, individually and collectively, better people for him.
Truth is life hasn't changed at all. I look up from Cohen long enough to see that very little has changed - it's me. I've changed. I've rediscovered that my heart can beat faster for another human being. That my soul is a different being for this new generation that we all helped bring into the world.
Whatever life was? It isn't the same and will never be.....nor should it be.
Goals change, priorities change, the pace of life changes.....and it's all good. I have no idea what 2013 has to bring but I have a tremendous smile on my face and in my heart. Mum is slowly progressing - any progress is good, in my opinion....and if life is never the same again, that's fine too because it's nowhere near bad right now - just different!
I look at Cohen now and cannot believe there was a time that I didn't want him in my life - because I hadn't met him yet. My life would have progressed because it's not my style to stagnate but - WOW!! - little man, you've just rocked my world and I cannot thank Alex enough for bringing him into all our lives.
It's funny now, isn't it? I refer to Alex's pregnancy as "unplanned" when what I should say is "unplanned by us but planned by the Universe". I believe the Universe brought Cohen to us for a very specific reason and I can't thank the Universe enough for doing that.....whatever that reason is.
Love my family to bits!!
XX
