Today I turn 50 years old and it is a reflective time. I am thrilled to be 50 - especially when the alternative sucks a bit, don't you think? 50 isn't old....it's 50! That's what it is....
So what does being 50 mean to me? Not much different to being 49...or 48...or 51... we place such superficial meaning to the BIG numbers that I'm not sure what it REALLY means.
I have had a fantastic life with the promise of more of the same. There have been great times - BRILLIANT times - and there have been not-so-great times and today? I have no regrets. Not many anyway.
Not one to be hung up on the way I look or don't look ( and THAT'S quite obvious....hehehehe), I just wanted to get here and turn around to look at my past and be proud, relieved, happy, confused, reflective and...... I am all of those feelings and then some.
The one thing that has struck me most is how different my life turned out to the pattern I thought I was following. I had this image of what my life would be like when I was younger.....and it hasn't really been anything like that, much to my relief.
I pictured myself being married to a dentist and living in Glen Iris (I have NO IDEA where that idea came from) with two kids that went to exclusive schools. I didn't really go anywhere or do anything - I was just married.....to a dentist.... a faceless dentist with two faceless kids.
Instead I married an entrepreneur/appliance mechanic/airpropeller mechanic/photographer/rogue and had an exciting albeit unpredictable life with two children who have since proved to be anything but "by the book". I divorced the said entrepreneur (our time was up - no regrets at all) and married a wonderful, nerdy, geeky, Star Wars loving IT consultant who is nothing like I imagined my life-partner to be. I didn't imagine being married twice, after all...... I have been blessed. Twice! Some people don't find love at all in this life and I have been very blessed to have found it twice.....
I am a Mum to two very individual beings who have their own codes of how they want to lead their lives and none of it - NONE OF IT - fits the template I had made for them when they were born. Strong, loving, independently-thinking children who dance the twist when everyone else is doing the waltz.....in a strange confusing way that I'm still trying to work out, I am so proud of their individuality. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH!!
I am a daughter to two very amazing people. As 50 turns another chapter in my book, I appreciate and love my parents so much more than I ever have. We've had our moments - no Bill Cosby Show, this family of ours - but the lessons they've taught me (indirectly and directly) are treasured and valued. My mother's strength and character - her zest for life - her creativity and desire to be HAPPY and find JOY in all things - to not accept anything as NORMAL and to roll with the punches, dust yourself off and move forward? Her ability to run to the lemon tree 20 times and back to "shake off" the rather large heart attack she was having? I can't write a book of all the lessons she's taught me - she's led by example. She's not perfect in any way but she's my Mum and she's a package - good and bad. I love ALL that about her and more and accept the things I don't.
My Dad is my hero. My sense of humour and naughtiness? - they're all from him. His special gift to me and my sister. The ability to LAUGH and make other people LAUGH (even if it is AT us and not WITH us), his intelligence and wisdom, his insightfulness - his stupid dance moves and funny faces......nobody else by my Dad could have given those to me. LOVE him so much - warts and all. I know his sins, I know his virtues, I know I love him always and unconditionally.
I am a sister to the most amazing human being I could ever meet. That my heart fills with so much love for her whenever I think about her is a gift in itself. I DID ask my parents for a walky-talky doll but she'll have to do. She understands me like nobody else has or will ever and we are almost twins in thought and feeling but not in looks....or body shape....or knees....or teeth....or taste in fashion/decor etc. But definitely twins in everything else........maybe not sexuality....but everything else. Or shoes. She wears ugly shoes, man.
I am a grandmother to a beautiful soulful energetic happy little boy who has filled my veins with so much love that typing this is making me teary-eyed. I didn't imagine this either and I would not swap it for anything in this life or the next. He is......... my love. In that tiny part of my heart that is so precious and pure, he sits there....where no-one else can ever be. He has my DNA (except the white bit - the kid ain't got no BROWN??!!), he is part of me and he takes that part into the future, where I won't and don't belong.
See? As I write this, I feel like I have an abundance of gifts that I never thought I would ever have. So much love and laughter in this life that I don't need anything else to be happy (an iPad would be good though).
If everything in my life were to disappear - my wonderful job, my loyal and fantastic friends, my untidy and cluttered home - it sincerely wouldn't matter because I have everything I need to make me happy without them. I'd miss my CD collection though - just saying.
I am happy. I am happy to turn 50. I'll be happy to turn 51 next year, 52 the year after...... but I'm happy to be 50. I don't feel old. I don't know what old feels like yet. I feel like I've arrived and this is where I'm meant to be. Graced with ever-increasing grey hair, eyesight and earsight reducing, can't get off the floor in a hurry but still got all my own teeth and......not one filling (thanks Dad - got that from you too!).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6Sxv-sUYtM
