TURNING 50!

Today I turn 50 years old and it is a reflective time. I am thrilled to be 50 - especially when the alternative sucks a bit, don't you think? 50 isn't old....it's 50! That's what it is....

So what does being 50 mean to me? Not much different to being 49...or 48...or 51... we place such superficial meaning to the BIG numbers that I'm not sure what it REALLY means.

I have had a fantastic life with the promise of more of the same. There have been great times - BRILLIANT times - and there have been not-so-great times and today? I have no regrets. Not many anyway.

Not one to be hung up on the way I look or don't look ( and THAT'S quite obvious....hehehehe), I just wanted to get here and turn around to look at my past and be proud, relieved, happy, confused, reflective and...... I am all of those feelings and then some.

The one thing that has struck me most is how different my life turned out to the pattern I thought I was following. I had this image of what my life would be like when I was younger.....and it hasn't really been anything like that, much to my relief.

I pictured myself being married to a dentist and living in Glen Iris (I have NO IDEA where that idea came from) with two kids that went to exclusive schools. I didn't really go anywhere or do anything - I was just married.....to a dentist.... a faceless dentist with two faceless kids.

Instead I married an entrepreneur/appliance mechanic/airpropeller mechanic/photographer/rogue and had an exciting albeit unpredictable life with two children who have since proved to be anything but "by the book". I divorced the said entrepreneur (our time was up - no regrets at all) and married a wonderful, nerdy, geeky, Star Wars loving IT consultant who is nothing like I imagined my life-partner to be. I didn't imagine being married twice, after all...... I have been blessed. Twice! Some people don't find love at all in this life and I have been very blessed to have found it twice.....

I am a Mum to two very individual beings who have their own codes of how they want to lead their lives and none of it - NONE OF IT - fits the template I had made for them when they were born. Strong, loving, independently-thinking children who dance the twist when everyone else is doing the waltz.....in a strange confusing way that I'm still trying to work out, I am so proud of their individuality. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH!!

I am a daughter to two very amazing people. As 50 turns another chapter in my book, I appreciate and love my parents so much more than I ever have. We've had our moments - no Bill Cosby Show, this family of ours - but the lessons they've taught me (indirectly and directly) are treasured and valued. My mother's strength and character - her zest for life - her creativity and desire to be HAPPY and find JOY in all things - to not accept anything as NORMAL and to roll with the punches, dust yourself off and move forward? Her ability to run to the lemon tree 20 times and back to "shake off" the rather large heart attack she was having? I can't write a book of all the lessons she's taught me - she's led by example. She's not perfect in any way but she's my Mum and she's a package - good and bad. I love ALL that about her and more and accept the things I don't.

My Dad is my hero. My sense of humour and naughtiness? - they're all from him. His special gift to me and my sister. The ability to LAUGH and make other people LAUGH (even if it is AT us and not WITH us), his intelligence and wisdom, his insightfulness - his stupid dance moves and funny faces......nobody else by my Dad could have given those to me. LOVE him so much - warts and all. I know his sins, I know his virtues, I know I love him always and unconditionally.

I am a sister to the most amazing human being I could ever meet. That my heart fills with so much love for her whenever I think about her is a gift in itself. I DID ask my parents for a walky-talky doll but she'll have to do. She understands me like nobody else has or will ever and we are almost twins in thought and feeling but not in looks....or body shape....or knees....or teeth....or taste in fashion/decor etc. But definitely twins in everything else........maybe not sexuality....but everything else. Or shoes. She wears ugly shoes, man.

I am a grandmother to a beautiful soulful energetic happy little boy who has filled my veins with so much love that typing this is making me teary-eyed. I didn't imagine this either and I would not swap it for anything in this life or the next. He is......... my love. In that tiny part of my heart that is so precious and pure, he sits there....where no-one else can ever be. He has my DNA (except the white bit - the kid ain't got no BROWN??!!), he is part of me and he takes that part into the future, where I won't and don't belong.

See? As I write this, I feel like I have an abundance of gifts that I never thought I would ever have. So much love and laughter in this life that I don't need anything else to be happy (an iPad would be good though).

   

If everything in my life were to disappear - my wonderful job, my loyal and fantastic friends, my untidy and cluttered home - it sincerely wouldn't matter because I have everything I need to make me happy without them. I'd miss my CD collection though - just saying.

I am happy. I am happy to turn 50. I'll be happy to turn 51 next year, 52 the year after...... but I'm happy to be 50. I don't feel old. I don't know what old feels like yet. I feel like I've arrived and this is where I'm meant to be. Graced with ever-increasing grey hair, eyesight and earsight reducing, can't get off the floor in a hurry but still got all my own teeth and......not one filling (thanks Dad - got that from you too!).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6Sxv-sUYtM

Honesty: Am I Being Rude?

Just lately I've found myself in situations where my honesty could possibly be misconstrued as rude and that bothers me.

There's that thin line between being open and honest - which I LOVE in other people - and that place where people who enjoy honesty are just blunt, tactless and rude.

So where is that invisible border between saying it like it is and saying it when it shouldn't be said?

Examples:

Honesty: If you don't like the way your life is, why don't you make changes to be where you WANT to be?
Rude: SHUT the #### up!! I am really REALLY tired of hearing your incessant whining and complaining - shuuuuuuut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!!!

Honesty: You look much nicer in the red number.
Rude: Have you paid your electricity bill or did you get dressed in the dark on purpose?

Honesty: I reckon it's your shout, sweetie/mate and I'll have a.......
Rude: Listen up tightarse, how come you're always broke/poor/skint when we go out??? Why do you come out if you've got no money???

Honesty: I honestly like to spend time on my own. I really do enjoy my own company.
Rude: I'd rather poke myself in the eye with a rusty teaspoon than spend any more time than I have to with you.

Honesty: Size DOES matter.
Rude: Ohhhhhh how sweet, you brought an incense stick.

Honesty: Ohhhhh you (followed by)..................I don't believe you (laughing nervously).
Rude: You're full of shit. You're always full of shit.

Honesty: Your baby looks sooooooooo intelligent!!
Rude: THAT is one ugly little bubs - fell off the top branch of the ugly tree, did he?

You get my drift, right? I like being honest. Honesty is that suburb not many people visit but my train ALWAYS stops all stations on that line. I connect best with people who don't embellish the truth (or, at least, admit to embellishing the truth in order to make a boring story, interesting).

So...........if my honesty offends, I like to apologise because that is never my intention - to offend. My intention is not to lie as much as possible - plain and simple. I don't like or enjoy lying. I don't like telling you that what I'm  listening to falling from your mouth is enjoyable when it isn't. Of course, I'll inject my own humour to dull the blow but I like to live on a clean canvas.

Diplomacy is something I'm trying to master but it's really hard when the only language you speak is honesty.

Truth is (oh here I go again....), everybody lies - just not ALL the time. So, if we're friends, let me know if you'd rather me continue being honest or if you want the alternatives : lying to you or, worse, being rude. I don't want to do either but let's both be on the same page, yeah?

By the way, you've got spinach in your teeth and your husband is a sleezy creep.......

2012

 

Well, that was one hell of an unexpected turn but I wouldn't have it any other way. 2012 ... had it's shit bits, had it's brilliant bits and I LOVE the fact that there are the two to compare and add balance in my life.

So Alex announced she's pregnant shortly after her 21st birthday and not in the most ideal circumstances. As honesty is my internal tattoo, I have to say that I was gutted. I had made some pretty tight sacrifices with my own life so that she could have a "better" one and this situation was everything I feared and yet, here it was, right in my face - breaking my heart to pieces. Yes, I sat on the floor of my bathroom and cried for three days. My tears were not for me, they were for her and for a life I felt she was cutting short to accept a situation that was unprepared and unplanned for. I had trouble accepting her decision to keep the baby but soldiered on because what other choice did I have? Watching her pregnancy develop and progress was even harder for me as there came a point when I knew there was no turning back. And that day arrived and I did what I had to do which was go about healing the wound in my heart and be there for her.

Then my Mum, healthy as all hell, had a massive heart attack and rocked our worlds. This, too, wasn't expected and if Alex's news pulled the rug out from under me, Mum's heart attack dropped a hole in the floor and I felt like I was falling through it. I had moments where I watched my life from the outside and I do remember thinking "THIS is not MY life". I had not planned on any of this and there was a point where life got too busy and complicated and I DID wonder how I got through each day.

Fast forward to November 16. My Mum is slowly recovering from open heart surgery which went really well but the recovery, didn't go as well as planned. So complications started arising as did the tail end of Alex's pregnancy. Pre-eclampsia and all it's wondrous complications started to rear its ugly head. I spent days driving to work, to one hospital with Alex, to another where my Mum was. Came home, slammed my body into deep sleep and started all over again.

And then life changed! I was with Alex through her labour, the plethora of tests she had, the tears she cried....and finally the birth of her first baby and I cannot find sufficient words to say how my heart swelled with pride for her when she bore Cohen into our world, into our family, into my heart. I was scared for her as she was in terrible pain and fear but I also knew we were a team and no matter what happened, we'd get through this together......and we did.

I can't remember much else about 2012 because these two things took up the majority of my worry, my concern, my fear, my happiness, my joy, my elation and that kinda eclipsed any other memories. I'm sure I did other things - Sydney for my sister's 40th birthday (oh yes, there WAS the spa incident - it's coming back to me) and there was the gorgeous long weekend down the Murray River in South Australia with my Contiki mates from 25 years ago (I think the boobs were aired there too....).

So now, life is about changing nappies and burping little Pinkle Nuts and, as obsessed as I am with him, life will ever be the same again. My Mum and Dad are besotted, my maternally bankrupt sister is addicted and stupidly in love, my son had just melted and gone gooey over his namesake. That all our lives have changed for the better for the arrival of our beautiful boy, Cohen, is a gross understatement.

A new love has grown. A new and brilliant reason to be happy. To watch my Mum and Dad's faces light up when Cohen visits them? PRICELESS! They're reduced to mushy slush and there is an air of purity around all of us - like the reason we were all created in the first place was to provide a soft landing for him, all along. Like we're in a force field of love and worries, fears and angers cannot penetrate this space where Cohen is and we are, individually and collectively, better people for him.

Truth is life hasn't changed at all. I look up from Cohen long enough to see that very little has changed - it's me. I've changed. I've rediscovered that my heart can beat faster for another human being. That my soul is a different being for this new generation that we all helped bring into the world.

Whatever life was? It isn't the same and will never be.....nor should it be.

Goals change, priorities change, the pace of life changes.....and it's all good. I have no idea what 2013 has to bring but I have a tremendous smile on my face and in my heart. Mum is slowly progressing - any progress is good, in my opinion....and if life is never the same again, that's fine too because it's nowhere near bad right now - just different!

I look at Cohen now and cannot believe there was a time that I didn't want him in my life - because I hadn't met him yet. My life would have progressed because it's not my style to stagnate but - WOW!! - little man, you've just rocked my world and I cannot thank Alex enough for bringing him into all our lives.

It's funny now, isn't it? I refer to Alex's pregnancy as "unplanned" when what I should say is "unplanned by us but planned by the Universe". I believe the Universe brought Cohen to us for a very specific reason and I can't thank the Universe enough for doing that.....whatever that reason is.

Love my family to bits!!

XX

Hurt

So all I can remember are the bad things. All I can hear are the comments I have chosen to perceive as negative and every time I repeat them in my head, I cringe a little more. My ego is foetal right now and my spirit, which normally hops and skips, is bent over with hurt. Melodramatic? A little.

I submitted my nude folio and I wish I had recorded the verbal feedback so that I could hear it again. I wish I could remember the morsels of positivity that my subconscious says I received or.....am I imagining that?

My internal dialogue asks, "Did I bite off more than I could chew? Was I over-ambitious/over-confident?"

Coming up to presentation, I was feeling excited - proud even - for finishing what I started. It was a difficult concept, a difficult topic and I'm not one to back down from a good challenge. I don't give excuses and I despise people who do that. As Yoda says "Do or do not - there is no try". None of this "I couldn't do it because....." crap - it annoys me when I hear others utter it. And I did....I made it happen.........but obviously not as well as I thought.

I can't believe I've taken the feedback so personally and so sensitively because it's all I can think about. It's all I'm brooding about and it's all I'm feeling sorry for myself about. Yet, I know that it wasn't as bad as I'm making it out to be. I'm turning a bull-ant into a huge monster in my own head....

So now I'm questionning if I'm doing the right thing. Should I just leave this at the hobby level? What am I really expecting to happen? That I'll become this brilliant and successful photographer and all this self-pity will be laughable in retrospect?

And it doesn't matter how many people (who love me) tell me how good my photography is, it's not hitting the target. Of course, they're going to say that - they love me.

I'm not sure what I wanted to hear.....I'm not sure if I might have heard it. I wasn't expecting accolades but I wasn't expecting the slashing that it felt like.

Two assessors: playing bad cop/good cop. My tutor, Neil was the good cop - Craig was the bad cop. Now, at the risk of marginalising Neil's comments, he tends to ice the cake, no matter what it tastes like - it's what he does. He soothes and pacifies - he has his repertoire of encouraging comments and you can almost see him flicking through his invisible book of appropriate feedback so as not to crush/maim/wound because 1) he doesn't want to stifle creativity and 2) he doesn't want to frighten students away - afterall it is a business, running the PSC. Yet underneath, I sometimes see the look of boredom of yet another nude, yet another landscape, yet another blah blah blah ...... and that's when I smile because I know what he's up to. You can see that he wants to say "Look, you take a NICE photo but why don't you just leave it at hobby stage?" but he can't say that. But you know he wants to......

So, is that what he did for me? "First of all, let me say CONGRATULATIONS...." and I can only remember bits and pieces of the rest because all I could hear - on high rotation - were Craig's remarks and with every replay, they became more and more caustic............and I know they weren't really as bad as that. But like a dividing cell, this thing is growing exponentially with my hurt.

It felt like I had finally given birth, and he called my baby 'ugly'.

This was Tuesday and it's now Thursday and I'm doing my best to talk myself out of the cave. It's just a photographic folio - it's not the end of the world - but my party balloon has deflated, my fireworks have fizzled and my cake has sunk in the middle. And it hurts.....

I wear my heart on my sleeve - it's who I am so you may think this outpouring is a tad public and a tad melodramatic but this blog is called exactly that - Honest Exposures.

As is my way, I'll get over this. I know I'll pass this Semester so that's not the worry.

I'll get over this. Probably by Friday.............maybe Saturday.

My Favourite Child

I think it's quite funny in that really annoying way when people talk about having a favourite child almost like it's an accepted thing and maybe, for you....or you....or even you, having a favourite child exists but it DOES NOT exist for me and I'll tell you why....

I have two very different children, born and bred and brought up in the same house with the same influences but so very different from each other. Of course, there are familiar traits but they are chalk and cheese personality wise......and I connect with those very differences which changes the dynamics of the individual relationships that I have with each of them.

With my eldest, I have placed responsibilities that I probably didn't place on my youngest so I have an expectation from her that I don't have with my son - maybe I should or shouldn't, who knows but that's what is.

Alex and I connect sideways, not head on. Let me explain. She is a fiery individual with very strong ideas (right or wrong) so very rarely does she ask for my advice because, invariably, my advice isn't something that she would take anyway. However, she talks to me about what's going on in her life almost documentary style - as if she's letting me know what's going on rather than asking me which road to take. She will ask my opinion, rarely my advice. Alex can handle herself in life and even if she can't, she's good at faking it. She is black and white. Impulsive. Reactive. Hehe.

Adam, on the other hand, is a sensitive soul - a poet soul who sees all the shades and tones of grey - he has no qualms about showing his feelings openly. He is a deep-thinking individual who watches and takes everything in. He doesn't need the spotlight all the time but he'll watch who's in it and studies their behaviour. He is charismatic with humour and charm and people are drawn to him automatically.

I connect with Adam on a more spiritual level because he and I are about feelings. We connect with music - he teaches me and I teach him about new music. I can read his face and know exactly what he's feeling so he can't hide from me. Alex, on the other hand, is very good at smoke and mirrors so I have to wait until she stands in front of me and tells me where she's at.

On that basis, people think I have a favourite child and I cannot tell you in more explicit words that I DO NOT. I just have different relationships with each one. I love them differently but equally. I love one person's strength of character.....I love the other one's sensitivity. I love both their unique senses of humour - I laugh AT one child, I laugh WITH the other. I worry about each one differently....

I express my love for each of my wonderful children differently because they ARE different. So when you see me hugging one child frequently and not the other one? Please......THAT child likes and welcomes the affection whereas the other one isn't touchy/feely and doesn't like public displays of affection.

I get offended when people talk about favourite children because my heart is a kaleidoscope of love that moves and changes for each of my children. My life's painting would be incomplete and empty without either of them in it and they both have their individual place on that canvas.

When Alex was born, half of my heart jumped out and started beating in hers and that will never change. When Adam was born, the other half of my heart jumped into his and between the two of them, they made me a complete soul.

Sometimes one half of that heart beats louder for one child than the other - out of worry, concern, happiness, sadness because their lives operate at different wavelengths and that's how I react to them - every mother is like this, I suspect.

That's how it is for me......so when someone accuses me of having a favourite child, in essence, you are telling me that only half of me is functioning...... and that offends me.

So to BOTH my beautiful, precious, cherished children..... I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU BOTH not the same but equally. I hug Adam because he likes being hugged, Alex doesn't....I shop with Alex because she likes shopping.....I listen to music with Adam because we like exploring and finding new music.....I watch tear-jerking movies with Alex because that's what we do...we watch Grey's Anatomy and The Piano together - always have. Alex and I read similar books.....Adam and I love spinach pasta.......and on and on it goes......

I laugh with Alex because we find the same things funny, I laugh at Adam because he makes me laugh.

Your Dad and I are very different people who have our own individual strengths and weaknesses and you love us differently - not more, not less - just differently. And that's okay to do that.

(I know that you laugh at my jokes more because I am funnier than your Dad....and that's okay to admit that publically!)

People, You AMAZE Me!

So you've all received the news that Alex is going to have a baby and let me say that she is quite gobsmacked and a little overwhelmed with all the genuine expressions of love, acceptance and support that she and I have received.

Without naming names and to protect privacies, I won't quote you but if you are wondering just how much love has been wished and sent? This is just 24 hours worth. Can you imagine how much she's going to receive in 6 months, 6 years, 6 decades time? I'm overwhelmed as well!!

Alex, my gorgeous girl, you are loved so very much by so many people and if you ever doubt that, I have put all these comments up for you so that you can read it and KNOW.

"Of course every new little life will be loved by me and I hope I can share in his/her future life in the family. Congratulations to grandma and grandpa and of course to Alex and Daniel."

"That’s lovely news.  I am sure this baby will be the most spoiled, cuddled and photographed child ever.  What a year you have had!

"Oh glorious Shaz. Best wishes to the prospective mum."

"Wow! Amazing news. How exciting. Peanut will certainly be coming into a family full of love and support and what more could a child really need?"

"Hey, just thought that through a little further….you are going to be the coolest Grandma/Nanna ever!"

"That's fantastic news send our love and congratulations to Alex & Daniel we look forward to some photos in the near future."

"OH MY GOD!!!  I'm gob smacked!!! 

"Is Alex still living at home?  Last time we spoke I'm sure she was.  Wow, life as you knew it is about to change - big time.  I only hope she has some idea exactly what she is getting herself in for.  Nothing can prepare you, but doing in on your own right rom the beginning is going to be a real challenge for all of you.

When I look at X and think there is only 16 months between them, she would be no where near ready to parent a child, she is still a little girl in so many ways.

Good luck, I hope she has blissful pregnancy."

"Hi guys, congrats to you all. Just a quick word to say if there is anything I can help with, clothes , furniture even emotional support for anything just yell. xx"

"When I read the subject line I must admit I paused briefly and took a breath in preparation for...

What good news! I can imagine the shock and the many phases of emotion you have experienced, but you sound at peace, with a heart full of love. How is Alex? Is she excited or nervous? Did she take you by the hand and insist you sit to hear the news?

After reading your email I poured another cup of coffee and reflected over the nearly 22 years that I've been a mom. I asked if knowing what I know now would I be as brave as Alex... would I accept the responsibility? There have been some scary and tough times, but being X's mom has been the most rewarding and awe inspiring experience of my life.  I think if our kids understand that once you have a child your life isn't your own anymore, and that you must be willing to put that child's needs ahead of your own for at least the next quarter century - we can't go back or be granted a do-over.

Thank you for sharing  your special news. My love, support and excitement belong to you as you discover the joys of being a grandparent, and my mother's spirit to Alex as she crosses this wonderful threshold into a whole new world.

You know, Peanut, might decide to make his/her entrance on the 24th. <wink w/ a smile>

Please let me know what Alex's nursery colors will be as soon as you know. I am overjoyed that I have a reason to make a new quilt. Yay!

My love to you all! Hugs and kisses... "

"So happy our little 'peanut' is going to have another little 'peanut' to play with! What a precious Christmas present for your family. Can't wait to meet him/her!!! All our love"

"Naw. This email made me smile. 
:-D

Happy for all and best wishes"

"Sharon, you have such a gifted sense of humor! And it comes out when you speak and when you write.

Thanks so much for sharing the news with us. So exciting that you are all going into a new season; great grandma, grandma and ma! We wish you all the best and God's hand of blessing and protection on the whole household, especially Alex, Daniel and the little precious one. Please keep us in the loop and we would love to celebrate with you all when the baby arrives (and laugh a little at your funny stories!). Take care."

"Congratulations Alex (and Daniel).

We love you Al and will always be here for you.  We are very happy for you and can’t wait to see you so we can show you the love.

Sharon, aren’t you and Grandma the same person now?"

"Dearest to be Grandma Sharon,

I’m so excited to hear this news!  I can imagine the news was a bit of a shock to hear from your 21 year old.  I am 30 and still fear my mums reaction if I ever had to tell her I was pregnant and not married (mind you, my mum is a bit more traditional than you).  But I know that you would have been (and still are) super excited once the shock had dissipated.

I have no doubt this baby will be born into a whole lotta love and that Alex will have so much support from those around her.

I wish her all the best during the next 6 or so months.  And I look forward to seeing your millions of photos of peanut when it arrives. 

As always if there’s ever anything I can do please don’t hesitate in contacting me.

Much love."

"wow ! congratulations.. grandma ;D big news indeed, hope alls well with alex and the family units holding firm shazzle. Best wishes in the days ahead to the new addition."

"Congratulations to you all Shaz!  The gift of new life is just that - a gift. The most precious gift ever no matter what the circumstance. You are all truly blessed. Hugs."

"Wonderful, albeit surprising news – hope Alex is feeling well. Will have to start baby shopping/crafting etc etc.

Good luck Nana Shaz"

"Indeed it is a good news and congratulations to Alex and you. It must be a very good feeling going to be a grandma. More resposibilty I guess but for a nice cause.

I hope Alex is keeping well.

I am sure we will get to see lots of photos of Peanut when he/she arrives."

"God Bless & protect Alex & Daniel & "little Peanut" & keep all of you in his loving care! Congratulations to everybody! May he/she brings lots of LOVE, JOY & LAUGHTER into your homes & your hearts!

Lots of love!"

"Whilst it's a big surprise and totallyunexpected this is such exciting news - a new baby in the family!! wow!! We are delighted and can't wait to welcome precious darling 'Peanut'into our family & world!  Babies make everything a little softer,a little sweeter, a lot more loving!
Please tell Alex she has all our love& full support - she'll soon acquire that special glow, its a big adventure,scared excited..slightly breathless proud delighted... beaming, dreaming,making plans...finding clothing that expands...worries? skip'em she'llbe fine glowing girl, she'll shine!!  

Congratulations! "

"oh you lucky lady your going to be a nan.i would love to have some news like that."

"Congratulations everyone!!! You will seriously be absolutely smitten! Good luck learning how to share!"

"Congratulations to Alex & Daniel and to the expecting grandparents. I think I'll be waiting for ever for my grandbabies. Hope it's a healthy happy pregnancy not like nanna Shaz who was sick at the thought of food. Take care looking forward to lots of pics. A little Sagittarius like M :)"

"Ohhh congrats... Wonderful news ... Xxx "

"That is wonderful news Shaz, no matter how unexpected! xxx"

"Congratulations Gramma, and especially to Alex."

"So excited and happy for her :) "

"Congrats Alex and Shaz. No matter what modern society tries to dictate to you, being a mum is surely the greatest thing in the world."

"Congratulations Shaz fantastic news - I am just gathering together my nana jokes to bombard you with at the reunion! "


You guys have totally amazed Alex and me and the rest of our family and I can't thank you enough for the generosity of your positive spirits. We are truly and genuinely blessed to have you in our circle, in our lives and in our hearts.

 

I'M GONNA BE A GRANDMA!

I said this would be honest and so it will be. This last month has seen me derailed, gobsmacked and stunned to know that my eldest child, Alexandra, is going to have a baby. It wasn't listed this far up on the plan.

I spoke to a very, very select few who helped me get perspective and focus on what was really important. And here is what it is important.....not just now, but 21 years ago when I had my own baby.

When I had Alex, I remember saying to her that I would love her unconditionally and I played Chrissie Hynde's "I'll Stand By You" while she was growing in my belly. I also used to listen to Aretha Franklin's "Natural Woman" while I was driving around and I would start crying singing along too but that's another story.

And that still stands....... 

After the inital shock and surprise wained and acceptance replaced that spot, it was time to get the perfunctory details in place like where is this baby going to be born and, more importantly, who is going to have the strength and courage to be beside Alex at the given time. Truth be know'd, my child is not really known for her high pain thresholds.

So we booked in for her first scan and went together. The conversation in the waiting room went like this:

Alex: It's an internal scan so you're not coming with me. That's why I asked Daniel not to come.
Me: Yup, that's fine. I'll wait outside and read their mags.
Alex: I'm serious!! You're so not coming in there with me.
Me: FINE!! I'm really cool with that! Geeze......
Radiologist: Alex? Alex Bailey?
Alex: *pinches my arm*. MUM, COME WITH ME!!!!

This is going to be quite a rollercoaster, this ride with Alex.

So we go into the room and the radiologist gels Alex's tummy up and searches for something, anything and as the waves of black and white images swirl around on the monitor, a small little empty pouch appeared and as she moved the scan around, at the bottom, lying on it's back was PEANUT! Oblivious to it's audience, it bounced around and moved around.....

I silently watched Alex's face change from that look of wariness to one of peace and as she watched her baby move, small little tears trickled down her cheeks and she looked at me and my heart burst at that moment. I held her hand and, at that moment, we knew we were going to be okay with this little soul coming into our lives.

It's not going to be easy - having your first baby never is. Having your first baby on your own is going to be even harder but love does conquer all. Our family - our entire family - have had time to get used to the idea and we're all genuinely excited about this new chapter in our lives.

The dynamic in our family, which has been status quo for the longest time, is about to change as I go from Mum to Grandma, as my Mum goes from Grandma to Great Grandma and my Dad goes from Gampa to Great Gampa.....as my son Adam becomes an Uncle for the first time and my sister and Tania becomes Great Aunts. It's like we are all going to stand up and take one step to the left into our new seats.

As Peanut grows over the next 6 months, so too will our hearts as we all become accustomed to the part we are going to play in it's life.

There is no room for judgement with this situation. As Adam said to me "Mum, it is what it is". Too much time and energy is wasted on the "what if's" and the "should have's". That energy is better positively directed to the well-being of Alex and Peanut - that is where it is of most value.

The Universe has decided that our family is ready and equipped to handle a new little spirit to cherish and love and that's exactly what we're going to do.

So if you can, be happy for Alex, be happy for us and be with us when we welcome this little person into our lives in November!

Disappointments and Challenges

A really good friend of mine reminded me yesterday about positivity in light of the many disappointments and challenges we come across in our lives.

I always get comments along the lines of "I don't know how you stay positive" and "You are such a strong woman" and I laugh internally because you have no idea how weak I can be....or how negative my thoughts can get and it's a conscientious decision I make to see the lighter side of life.

So a couple of things are going on right now, some I can talk about openly and some I can't but they challenge me. Every single day, they challenge this "positive" choice I make.

I've been studying photography and, up until this point, I've loved it. However this Semester has been a little lacklustre and has had its disappointing moments. So there's been a fair amount of discussion within our very special group of moving on to other institutions or quitting for a variety of reasons. It IS a very expensive course, I will admit that and at this point, we're all re-evaluating if we're getting value for our very hard-earned money at this particular institution.

BUT, all the talk of leaving and moving on has made me really sad. I've wrestled with that sad lost feeling all week and I've come to the conclusion that I'm more sad about losing some really lovely friends than about the course - which is an expensive way to meet lovely friends and doesn't really achieve much for me in the way of photography.

So, after talking to my wonderful husband, who is exceptionally good at putting things into perspective (even when you don't want him to), I realised that the sadness was demotivating me and derailing my creative processes. That I LOVE what I'm learning from trying to create three folios this Semester. The fact that I'm learning all these things through experience and not tutorials is another thing but I'm losing sight of the fact that I'm getting out there and doing what I love the most, which is taking photographs of things that make me happy.

Although I agree 100% with everyone's thoughts, I'm not quite ready to jump ship yet. I stand in that place where I am asking myself:

• Is this also going to happen at another institution?
• What if other institutions disappoint me in other areas of learning and I regret leaving this place?
• Better the devil you know?
• It IS a helluva lot of money so is it going to get better as the course progresses or is it more of the same?
• What if the people are draining/uninspirational/boring as batshit?
• What if a more rigourous teaching style doesn't bring out the best in me?

And so it goes......all these and other questions. Do I stay and persevere hoping that things improve? or do I bail and go where? Where I am now teaches through experiential methodology rather than the traditional way of "I'll show you and then you go do".

There are definitely gaps in the learning (especially in the technical areas, which is where we need to learn the most) but you will get that everywhere. I found that after paying hefty fees for private school education for both my children.

So, I'll be okay with some of my friends leaving and I'll be okay with missing them when they go. I've always been bad at dealing with goodbyes and that is the nucleus of my sadness this week. I just don't want to say goodbye.

But, for now, I need to go back to focussing on my folio. It's the one thing that makes me so happy and I'd like to go back to that happy place again!

Serendipitous Gifts that I AM Grateful For

Sometimes, things happen to you in your life and, at the time, it looks like it's a misfortune or you view it as a tragedy and you get angry or vicious or bitter or you play the victim - or whatever the tune that you like to play at those times? You tend to play it loud!

I received a phone call from an old colleague today and, one thing led to another in our conversation, I heard my own voice saying to her "Being shafted was the greatest gift that XXX has given me because I am happier than I've been in months and months. I have landed my dream job, I'm being paid really well and ........ I'm respected for my skillset and being treated so exceptionally well - I am still quite shocked that this fabulous job is mine, really. I would never have gone down this path had she not shafted me like she did."

People say "things always happen for a reason" and time and again, it appears that, in my life, they DO!

I guess it all comes down to your perspective and the spin you put on the things that happen to you. You can play the fool, the martyr, the victim and - be honest - none of those characters serve you very well, do they? Not in the long run......

So, here I am - genuinely and eternally grateful for being shafted because, honestly? That incident put me back on the right track for me. It's like it provided me with the benchmark of what I don't want in my life and - more importantly - the kind of people I do not and will not allow back into my life either.

Now the disclaimer is that not everyone I encountered were as toxic as the one individual I refer about. The majority of them were/are decent, lovely, genuine people who have also been affected negatively by one person. One person. Can make such a difference to you, to your experience.

I hope that person reads this. It's nothing I wouldn't say to her face. I just wouldn't be all mean and vindictive about it.........but I'd be honest.

You are one person. Just one person. You can choose to make a positive impact on everyone around you or you can choose to contribute to people's lives in a negative way. Just know that each choice has it's own consequences. When you treat people badly with scant regard for anyone but yourself, it will come back to you with interest.

On the flip side, I have had 6 horrible months which I will not get back but, folks, it has propelled me into a much happier place. Each day, when I wake up, it's with a smile on my face. I am happy. I love my job. I like the people I work with because they are selfless and behave like decent human beings that are part of the community, part of the larger picture....

Good lessons have been learned and serendipitous gifts have been received with gratitude and relief.

Idyllic Childhood Memories

One of my favourite memories is triggered whenever I hear Simon and Garfunkel's "Scarborough Fair".

Imagine this: A hot Indian summer, the sounds of crows cawing in the newness of early morning while I smelled that delicious aroma of fresh bread toasting (and eventually burning because my Grandma burnt toast - it's one of the call signs that I associate with her).

My parents were in Bahrain and I remained back in India with my Grandma. My family home, at that stage, was with her. Grandpa had passed away recently and it was, essentially, just her and me. She was a young and vibrant Grandma and we had a special, special bond. I know my Aunty Noreen and Uncle Denzil were around but my childhood recollections have them in fleeting moments.

The summer of this song and The Doors, Creedence Clearwater Revival and Simon and Garfunkel take me back to an idyllic childhood, spent lazily in the fabulous company of my Grandma. Times were spent laughing, shopping, being together.

We had two dogs - daschunds by the name of Cheeky and Poppet - who were scared of me. I was somewhere around 8-9 years old and the peaceful harmonies of Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel decorated the moments of retrieving mangoes out of the rice box, where they were kept, and eating them deliciously with juice running down to our elbows.

My Aunt's friends would come over and there was relaxed laughter in the air. There were colours of tie-dyed t-shirts and handle bar moustaches, cheesecloth tops and bell-bottoms paired with leather open sandals, long hair and the Mamas and Papas.



The doors of my Grandma's house were always open. I have no recollection of the realities of adult life because, as a child, it was a joyful and carefree childhood.The front yard was lined on the right side looking toward the road with a mango tree, a custard apple tree, a yellow guava tree and a pomegranate tree. On the left were other guava trees and a small rockery that housed a family of frogs who sang to us in the evenings with the crickets as people returned to their homes for dinner.


In other parts of the world, my new baby sister was being born and the Vietnam war was being fought in vain, but in my little cocoon of childhood, I was enchanted - yes enchanted - by the music of Simon and Garfunkel, peach melba and vanilla icecream with a wafer from Fatima's, Sunday matinee sessions of Laurel and Hardy, Bud Spencer  and Terrence Hill and Charles Bronson spaghetti westerns, playing Monopoly and red tartan Keds with white shoe laces.

What a beautiful time in my life......it is filled with the squinty-eyed and crooked smile of my beautiful Grandma who always found laughter in every day.

Sometimes I Get It Wrongly Wrong

http://my365daysofgratitudeandhappiness.blogspot.com.au/2011/09/day-224-new-chapters-long-blog-this-one.html

So I got some of it wrong! That gut feeling? Probably too many jalapenos on my enchiladas, I think. That job lasted 6 months and let's just say (if I am going to brutally honest, then now is a good place to start) that it proved a steep learning curve.

So.........what happened? Hmmmmm.

I trusted too much and too quickly, that's what happened. I had a lapse in judgement where I thought that my honesty and transparency would be returned to me..........and sadly it wasn't. Instead of soaring with eagles, I got eaten by vultures. (It's MY blog and I can be as honest as I want to be).

No, I didn't get sacked nor did I get told to resign and that's all I'm willing to say about it. The business took a turn down a road from the one that I thought we were ALL travelling on and, alas, my integrity would not permit me to continue down that detoured path. With a bit of time and space to think about the events, I have no doubt that it was premeditated and that some people act recklessly and with no concern for the impact their selfish actions have on other people. Me? Bitter? You betcha!

Let me say that it will not stop me from displaying the utmost integrity in all my actions nor will it impede my trust and faith in the better side of humanity but, to get all religious now, there WAS a snake in the Garden of Eden and, sadly, Eve made a bad choice - shit happens.



The positives? SURELY there are positives from this experience? You betcha! (she says, dusting herself off and gaining some strength in her wobbly knees as she gets back up again). Honestly, there ARE positives from this experience and here they are:

• I discovered the stuff that my family are made of - the true stuff, when the chips are down kinda stuff - and I will not forget how brilliantly supportive they've been about this
• I found out who my friends are and how utterly loving and supportive they have been to me
• This experience reinforces my belief that there are good, pure-hearted people out there who operate the way I do......and I have surrounded myself by them
• I have removed the negative forces that I've allowed into my life in the last 6 months and they will not influence or taint my life again. You'll find them on the scrap heap with all the rest of the dung monkeys
• I have a new job - one that I was looking for before I was side-tracked and distracted by this last horrid one so, if nothing else, I took the scenic route to get here.





So, let's develop some healthy amnesia for the last 6 months and progress forward to happy, successful, brilliant times where I will reap a much healthier crop after resowing, right?

To better days and lessons learned - thank you Universe!

Nudity (pointing and laughing and saying "oooooh arrrrrr")

This fascination of mine with nudity comes from a place deep within so you won't find any crass or lewd comments in this post. Not in THIS post....

I've always loved the human body with all it's beauty and vulnerabilities. I love the warmth and safe harbour it can bring and I love the complexities it can provide. Through the years though, I've always wondered, with a rather immature and unevolved mind, why do we snicker and get embarrassed when we see nakedness. Aren't we, after-all, all built with the same body parts in more-or-less the same places?

It appears that we have been conditioned to feel shame about that which is natural. We were BORN naked and, as children, have no fear about being naked. It is the lesson that we are taught that certain areas of our body are "private" and "shameful". It's very Adam and Eve, isn't it? Our logical brains tell us that our genitals and breasts are no different to our ears or noses or fingers. They are parts of our body that provide a function for our continued survival - no different than our mouths that take in food for the same purposes.

Yet, because of religion and culture, we have been conditioned and taught over the centuries that these very body parts are out of bounds. Insofar as I resist the urge to run up to a stranger and place my finger in his or her mouth, why do we feel that if naked, people will want to take privileges with JUST THESE parts? That we will be raped or probed and that nakedness is all about sex.

It isn't. We've been conditioned to THINK that it is but, in truth, being naked is no more revelatory than freedom of speech. The level of acceptable body exposure differs from religion to religion and thus consequently, from culture through different cultures.

I could go on and I'll spare you my soapbox rant about why I still don't get it. I don't get why we have these hang-ups about something so very natural.

I was given the most beautiful privilege of photographing two very special women, who happened to be pregnant, naked. This point was brought closer to me during those moments when, up front and personally very close to such beauty, that I didn't notice their "private parts". What really struck me was that they had the same parts as me, sure - different shapes and sizes (and colour, of course) but I was no more or less womanly than they nor they from me. I felt a very intimate sisterhood being in their company. I stopped seeing their bits - I honestly did. What I saw, however, was how they carried themselves, their grace, their femaleness, their physical curves, their quiet dignity and I was moved at such a deep, deep level at how utterly beautiful they were.......and still are.

I remember thinking how primitive societies were really more evolved than we are now. Where tribal rituals bonded women to women and men to men (in non-sexual ways). How priviliged is it to see someone as they are, free from the bonds of clothing.

Clothing is the choice we make, fashion et alia, to disguise or embellish or project ourselves as we WISH to be seen. We emulate and copy or, in some cases, project our distinctive individualities by what we wear on the outside rather than be seen as purely what we are.

Clothing, sadly, is used to identify us. We pigeonhole by first sight: She's wearing a burqa therefore she is a Moslem and therefore we make a judgement. He is wearing khaki overalls therefore he is a tradesman therefore we make judgements about that. She is wearing designer clothes therefore she is wealthy because she can afford it therefore we make judgements.

I have always loved the TRUTH. Truth is like nudity. It can be harsh and confronting but it is only what it is and nothing more. Within TRUTH and NUDITY, there is no hiding so what you see is just what is there. It's like drinking pure water or breathing in the freshest air. It's simple. It's uncomplicated.

It allows you to evolve to the next level in this life, free from the chains and encumbrances of all the conditioning and propaganda we're fed.

"The Puritan often will brood

On how horrid it is to be nude;

The absence of clothing

He views with such loathing

That the naked truth strikes him as lewd."

---D.R. Benson

Living My Life Like It's The Only One I've Got

This weekend found me ticking yet another thing off my bucketlist and I can't begin to tell you what a natural drug of happiness and utter joy this feels like, being able to do this. This is just my opinion and I acknowledge that not everyone feels like I do.

This life? I may not get the chance to do it over again or anew so, aside from taking charge of all my mundane responsibilities like mortgage, groceries, bills etc, there has to be more than this to my life, yeah?

I started creating lists a while ago of all the things that I would like to experience and do and started making my way to completing them. They started off with little things and it grew to include the things that made me absolutely and utterly HAPPY to the point of bursting with so much joy that I would just explode. Studying photography was one of these things and here I am, doing it.

Another thing on my list that started off small but ended up growing was my total enjoyment of aerial sports. When I turned 30 years old, rather than have a party, I chose to go skydiving with a close friend, Jenny, and although I passed out a couple hundred feet off the ground, it changed my life! I came out of that experience feeling invinceable, strong and undefeatable and, most importantly - in love with my life.

It didn't matter what happened from that point, I knew I could grab it with both hands and either embrace it or throw it away. The other thing I was going to do was get my motorbike licence but passing out made me reassess that as I had two small children at the time...hehehe.

After skydiving, there was parasailing a few times and then microlighting and hot air ballooning and now helicopter flying......and with each experience, I felt a different joy and elation. It was freedom at its best! I have to say that my favourite experience was definitely microlighting. For an entire hour, I was an eagle......I flew like a bird, soaring up to breathtaking heights and gliding down to awe-inspiring views. My heart was at its happiest in those moments. Grant was in his own microlight and, together, we flew in and around each other while we danced above glorious and majestic snow-capped mountains in an aerial ballet that was simply heavenly!

A lot like skydiving, I was free to go in any direction that I wanted at any speed and, in those moments, I felt like crying with absolute bliss. THIS must be what flying to heaven must feel like. Like there is nothing that can hurt or bruise you (except if your 'chute didn't open but, let's face it, if that happened, I'm guessing you'd feel nothing anyway) and the whole world is yours to fly over.

At take off with all these moments, I couldn't help but hoot and whoop because it felt like I was leaving all my cares down on earth and going to a place, for a small moment, where it was just me and the skies and whatever was in my heart. Pragmatically, there was always some flight expert controlling my flightpath but I always forgot about him. All those 'him's fade away when I was up there!

So this weekend, with Grant in tow, we did the helicopter thing and I WANT MY OWN! What a fabulous contraption it is that takes you upward and then wherever you want to go. I hooted and whooped - can't help it - it is the sound of captured joy escaping my chest.

I have no idea what's next for me but I think everyone owes it to themselves to experience this sense of freedom from all the tangible things that keep you rooted to all your sensibilities. Whether it's on a motorbike or a scooter or a boat or an aeroplane, do it! Take leave of your senses so that you appreciate them when you come back down to earth!

Your houses, your cars, your material things will still be here, waiting for you when you return. But for a brief moment, give yourself the gift of flight so that you actually FEEL ALIVE!

My smile plastered my face from that initial lift-off and stayed that way for the flight and I still have it......

The Psychology of Colour

It's an intriguing thing - the psychology of colours. During last night's class, we discussed this and it's effect on the colours your choose to photograph and the emotions you want to evoke.

One theory is that we associate emotions with colours based on our experiences especially in childhood - that's one theory anyway. I guess we do have learned responses to colours....or is it innate?

Anyway, we have to pick our favourite colour and then list ten things we associate with it and then do the same with our least favourite colour. So here goes:

My favourite colour is RED. I associate it with:

1. passion
2. excitement
3. wild
4. fun
5. sensuality
6. lust and sexuality
7. bright/illustrious
8. noticeable
9. delicious and juicy
10. happiness

I had to choose between RED and ORANGE as they are equal favourites, in my eyes, but I said RED because it has been my all time favourite colour for the longest time. However most of my associations with RED are similar to my associations with ORANGE.

My least favourite colour is BLUE. I associate it with:

1. dull dull dull dull......zzzzzzzzzzz
2. depressing
3. non-descript
4. boring
5. calm, to the point of being boring
6. ordinary
7. sad
8. drowning
9. yawning
10. sleep

I dislike the colour blue intensely. I would go so far as to say I hate it. There are few blue items in my wardrobe and the ones that are there are happenstance. I don't mind electric blue because it is an exciting colour and widens my pupils when I see it for all the same reasons that RED does.

Out tutor asked us to review our previous semester's fiol and take note of how many images contained our favourite colour as opposed to our least favourite colours. Now, in defense, I cannot change the colour of our sky but I have to admit a dominance of red and orange, yes.

Speaks volumes, this last image, doesn't it?

Beauty

I'm currently exploring the idea of 'beauty' for my photography folio this Semester. I intend to create a folio of nudes and, whilst researching this topic, the question of what I, personally, find beautiful arose.

So I lay in bed, curtains drawn (coffee beside me) staring out into the backyard, listening to the birds, listening to the breeze swishing through the gum trees, looking at my unkempt backyard.....and I found myself thinking less and less of conventional definitions of beauty and leaning more towards the aethetic. The volunteers who are going to form part of my folio came into my mind - each and every one of them. A few have a traditional beauty about them but I started thinking more and more about the ones who didn't fit that category.....and I found them to have a radiant beauty about them.

Dissecting and analysing this feeling, I realised that what I found beautiful about them was more about how I felt in their company than about their physical attributes. It was more about my shared intimacies of laughter and tears with them. It was about their individual idiosyncrasies - their giddy-goatedness - their sense of mischief and fun - their insecurities, that made them so beautiful to me. Those things are not tangible.

I have a distant friend who has not volunteered for my folio (I wish she would) and yet, my thoughts keep drifting towards her on a daily basis. She is not 'traditionally' beautiful - certainly no size 6 or 8 girl - but there is a beaming radiance about her, her undeniable love and admiration for her husband, her friends, her family and, in particular, for her mother and her daughter - that I am like a moth to flame. I am drawn to her attitude mainly. She is larger than life but in such a gentle, non-evasive way that you can't help BUT feel good about yourself in her company. She makes you want to dance naked in the forest with a pair of butterfly wings clipped to your shoulders. Let's not get bogged down with the pragmatic details about this, okay?

Back to my folio, I reverted those thoughts to me. I am no oil painting - far from it. I am no size 6, 8, 10 or 12, for that matter. I am short and Rubinesque - I carry the war wounds of life on my skin - and yet, my husband thinks I'm beautiful (or whatever his definition of beauty is). Yet......internally, I see myself as I was when I was 18, 21, 28.....and it's this shell of a body which carries me through my life that doesn't adequately reflect the sensual, desirous, wholesome woman that exists beneath it.

I wondered if my nude models feel this way as well. Some of them have been "blessed" with bodies that DO mirror their internal attitudes. But some of them don't......and I am taking it upon myself to try and capture THAT essence, THAT beauty in a way that when they look at my images, they see what exists beneath.