Disappointments and Challenges

A really good friend of mine reminded me yesterday about positivity in light of the many disappointments and challenges we come across in our lives.

I always get comments along the lines of "I don't know how you stay positive" and "You are such a strong woman" and I laugh internally because you have no idea how weak I can be....or how negative my thoughts can get and it's a conscientious decision I make to see the lighter side of life.

So a couple of things are going on right now, some I can talk about openly and some I can't but they challenge me. Every single day, they challenge this "positive" choice I make.

I've been studying photography and, up until this point, I've loved it. However this Semester has been a little lacklustre and has had its disappointing moments. So there's been a fair amount of discussion within our very special group of moving on to other institutions or quitting for a variety of reasons. It IS a very expensive course, I will admit that and at this point, we're all re-evaluating if we're getting value for our very hard-earned money at this particular institution.

BUT, all the talk of leaving and moving on has made me really sad. I've wrestled with that sad lost feeling all week and I've come to the conclusion that I'm more sad about losing some really lovely friends than about the course - which is an expensive way to meet lovely friends and doesn't really achieve much for me in the way of photography.

So, after talking to my wonderful husband, who is exceptionally good at putting things into perspective (even when you don't want him to), I realised that the sadness was demotivating me and derailing my creative processes. That I LOVE what I'm learning from trying to create three folios this Semester. The fact that I'm learning all these things through experience and not tutorials is another thing but I'm losing sight of the fact that I'm getting out there and doing what I love the most, which is taking photographs of things that make me happy.

Although I agree 100% with everyone's thoughts, I'm not quite ready to jump ship yet. I stand in that place where I am asking myself:

• Is this also going to happen at another institution?
• What if other institutions disappoint me in other areas of learning and I regret leaving this place?
• Better the devil you know?
• It IS a helluva lot of money so is it going to get better as the course progresses or is it more of the same?
• What if the people are draining/uninspirational/boring as batshit?
• What if a more rigourous teaching style doesn't bring out the best in me?

And so it goes......all these and other questions. Do I stay and persevere hoping that things improve? or do I bail and go where? Where I am now teaches through experiential methodology rather than the traditional way of "I'll show you and then you go do".

There are definitely gaps in the learning (especially in the technical areas, which is where we need to learn the most) but you will get that everywhere. I found that after paying hefty fees for private school education for both my children.

So, I'll be okay with some of my friends leaving and I'll be okay with missing them when they go. I've always been bad at dealing with goodbyes and that is the nucleus of my sadness this week. I just don't want to say goodbye.

But, for now, I need to go back to focussing on my folio. It's the one thing that makes me so happy and I'd like to go back to that happy place again!