I said this would be honest and so it will be. This last month has seen me derailed, gobsmacked and stunned to know that my eldest child, Alexandra, is going to have a baby. It wasn't listed this far up on the plan.
I spoke to a very, very select few who helped me get perspective and focus on what was really important. And here is what it is important.....not just now, but 21 years ago when I had my own baby.
When I had Alex, I remember saying to her that I would love her unconditionally and I played Chrissie Hynde's "I'll Stand By You" while she was growing in my belly. I also used to listen to Aretha Franklin's "Natural Woman" while I was driving around and I would start crying singing along too but that's another story.
And that still stands.......
After the inital shock and surprise wained and acceptance replaced that spot, it was time to get the perfunctory details in place like where is this baby going to be born and, more importantly, who is going to have the strength and courage to be beside Alex at the given time. Truth be know'd, my child is not really known for her high pain thresholds.
So we booked in for her first scan and went together. The conversation in the waiting room went like this:
Alex: It's an internal scan so you're not coming with me. That's why I asked Daniel not to come.
Me: Yup, that's fine. I'll wait outside and read their mags.
Alex: I'm serious!! You're so not coming in there with me.
Me: FINE!! I'm really cool with that! Geeze......
Radiologist: Alex? Alex Bailey?
Alex: *pinches my arm*. MUM, COME WITH ME!!!!
This is going to be quite a rollercoaster, this ride with Alex.
So we go into the room and the radiologist gels Alex's tummy up and searches for something, anything and as the waves of black and white images swirl around on the monitor, a small little empty pouch appeared and as she moved the scan around, at the bottom, lying on it's back was PEANUT! Oblivious to it's audience, it bounced around and moved around.....
I silently watched Alex's face change from that look of wariness to one of peace and as she watched her baby move, small little tears trickled down her cheeks and she looked at me and my heart burst at that moment. I held her hand and, at that moment, we knew we were going to be okay with this little soul coming into our lives.
It's not going to be easy - having your first baby never is. Having your first baby on your own is going to be even harder but love does conquer all. Our family - our entire family - have had time to get used to the idea and we're all genuinely excited about this new chapter in our lives.
The dynamic in our family, which has been status quo for the longest time, is about to change as I go from Mum to Grandma, as my Mum goes from Grandma to Great Grandma and my Dad goes from Gampa to Great Gampa.....as my son Adam becomes an Uncle for the first time and my sister and Tania becomes Great Aunts. It's like we are all going to stand up and take one step to the left into our new seats.
As Peanut grows over the next 6 months, so too will our hearts as we all become accustomed to the part we are going to play in it's life.
There is no room for judgement with this situation. As Adam said to me "Mum, it is what it is". Too much time and energy is wasted on the "what if's" and the "should have's". That energy is better positively directed to the well-being of Alex and Peanut - that is where it is of most value.
The Universe has decided that our family is ready and equipped to handle a new little spirit to cherish and love and that's exactly what we're going to do.
So if you can, be happy for Alex, be happy for us and be with us when we welcome this little person into our lives in November!
No comments:
Post a Comment