My Favourite Child

I think it's quite funny in that really annoying way when people talk about having a favourite child almost like it's an accepted thing and maybe, for you....or you....or even you, having a favourite child exists but it DOES NOT exist for me and I'll tell you why....

I have two very different children, born and bred and brought up in the same house with the same influences but so very different from each other. Of course, there are familiar traits but they are chalk and cheese personality wise......and I connect with those very differences which changes the dynamics of the individual relationships that I have with each of them.

With my eldest, I have placed responsibilities that I probably didn't place on my youngest so I have an expectation from her that I don't have with my son - maybe I should or shouldn't, who knows but that's what is.

Alex and I connect sideways, not head on. Let me explain. She is a fiery individual with very strong ideas (right or wrong) so very rarely does she ask for my advice because, invariably, my advice isn't something that she would take anyway. However, she talks to me about what's going on in her life almost documentary style - as if she's letting me know what's going on rather than asking me which road to take. She will ask my opinion, rarely my advice. Alex can handle herself in life and even if she can't, she's good at faking it. She is black and white. Impulsive. Reactive. Hehe.

Adam, on the other hand, is a sensitive soul - a poet soul who sees all the shades and tones of grey - he has no qualms about showing his feelings openly. He is a deep-thinking individual who watches and takes everything in. He doesn't need the spotlight all the time but he'll watch who's in it and studies their behaviour. He is charismatic with humour and charm and people are drawn to him automatically.

I connect with Adam on a more spiritual level because he and I are about feelings. We connect with music - he teaches me and I teach him about new music. I can read his face and know exactly what he's feeling so he can't hide from me. Alex, on the other hand, is very good at smoke and mirrors so I have to wait until she stands in front of me and tells me where she's at.

On that basis, people think I have a favourite child and I cannot tell you in more explicit words that I DO NOT. I just have different relationships with each one. I love them differently but equally. I love one person's strength of character.....I love the other one's sensitivity. I love both their unique senses of humour - I laugh AT one child, I laugh WITH the other. I worry about each one differently....

I express my love for each of my wonderful children differently because they ARE different. So when you see me hugging one child frequently and not the other one? Please......THAT child likes and welcomes the affection whereas the other one isn't touchy/feely and doesn't like public displays of affection.

I get offended when people talk about favourite children because my heart is a kaleidoscope of love that moves and changes for each of my children. My life's painting would be incomplete and empty without either of them in it and they both have their individual place on that canvas.

When Alex was born, half of my heart jumped out and started beating in hers and that will never change. When Adam was born, the other half of my heart jumped into his and between the two of them, they made me a complete soul.

Sometimes one half of that heart beats louder for one child than the other - out of worry, concern, happiness, sadness because their lives operate at different wavelengths and that's how I react to them - every mother is like this, I suspect.

That's how it is for me......so when someone accuses me of having a favourite child, in essence, you are telling me that only half of me is functioning...... and that offends me.

So to BOTH my beautiful, precious, cherished children..... I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU BOTH not the same but equally. I hug Adam because he likes being hugged, Alex doesn't....I shop with Alex because she likes shopping.....I listen to music with Adam because we like exploring and finding new music.....I watch tear-jerking movies with Alex because that's what we do...we watch Grey's Anatomy and The Piano together - always have. Alex and I read similar books.....Adam and I love spinach pasta.......and on and on it goes......

I laugh with Alex because we find the same things funny, I laugh at Adam because he makes me laugh.

Your Dad and I are very different people who have our own individual strengths and weaknesses and you love us differently - not more, not less - just differently. And that's okay to do that.

(I know that you laugh at my jokes more because I am funnier than your Dad....and that's okay to admit that publically!)

People, You AMAZE Me!

So you've all received the news that Alex is going to have a baby and let me say that she is quite gobsmacked and a little overwhelmed with all the genuine expressions of love, acceptance and support that she and I have received.

Without naming names and to protect privacies, I won't quote you but if you are wondering just how much love has been wished and sent? This is just 24 hours worth. Can you imagine how much she's going to receive in 6 months, 6 years, 6 decades time? I'm overwhelmed as well!!

Alex, my gorgeous girl, you are loved so very much by so many people and if you ever doubt that, I have put all these comments up for you so that you can read it and KNOW.

"Of course every new little life will be loved by me and I hope I can share in his/her future life in the family. Congratulations to grandma and grandpa and of course to Alex and Daniel."

"That’s lovely news.  I am sure this baby will be the most spoiled, cuddled and photographed child ever.  What a year you have had!

"Oh glorious Shaz. Best wishes to the prospective mum."

"Wow! Amazing news. How exciting. Peanut will certainly be coming into a family full of love and support and what more could a child really need?"

"Hey, just thought that through a little further….you are going to be the coolest Grandma/Nanna ever!"

"That's fantastic news send our love and congratulations to Alex & Daniel we look forward to some photos in the near future."

"OH MY GOD!!!  I'm gob smacked!!! 

"Is Alex still living at home?  Last time we spoke I'm sure she was.  Wow, life as you knew it is about to change - big time.  I only hope she has some idea exactly what she is getting herself in for.  Nothing can prepare you, but doing in on your own right rom the beginning is going to be a real challenge for all of you.

When I look at X and think there is only 16 months between them, she would be no where near ready to parent a child, she is still a little girl in so many ways.

Good luck, I hope she has blissful pregnancy."

"Hi guys, congrats to you all. Just a quick word to say if there is anything I can help with, clothes , furniture even emotional support for anything just yell. xx"

"When I read the subject line I must admit I paused briefly and took a breath in preparation for...

What good news! I can imagine the shock and the many phases of emotion you have experienced, but you sound at peace, with a heart full of love. How is Alex? Is she excited or nervous? Did she take you by the hand and insist you sit to hear the news?

After reading your email I poured another cup of coffee and reflected over the nearly 22 years that I've been a mom. I asked if knowing what I know now would I be as brave as Alex... would I accept the responsibility? There have been some scary and tough times, but being X's mom has been the most rewarding and awe inspiring experience of my life.  I think if our kids understand that once you have a child your life isn't your own anymore, and that you must be willing to put that child's needs ahead of your own for at least the next quarter century - we can't go back or be granted a do-over.

Thank you for sharing  your special news. My love, support and excitement belong to you as you discover the joys of being a grandparent, and my mother's spirit to Alex as she crosses this wonderful threshold into a whole new world.

You know, Peanut, might decide to make his/her entrance on the 24th. <wink w/ a smile>

Please let me know what Alex's nursery colors will be as soon as you know. I am overjoyed that I have a reason to make a new quilt. Yay!

My love to you all! Hugs and kisses... "

"So happy our little 'peanut' is going to have another little 'peanut' to play with! What a precious Christmas present for your family. Can't wait to meet him/her!!! All our love"

"Naw. This email made me smile. 
:-D

Happy for all and best wishes"

"Sharon, you have such a gifted sense of humor! And it comes out when you speak and when you write.

Thanks so much for sharing the news with us. So exciting that you are all going into a new season; great grandma, grandma and ma! We wish you all the best and God's hand of blessing and protection on the whole household, especially Alex, Daniel and the little precious one. Please keep us in the loop and we would love to celebrate with you all when the baby arrives (and laugh a little at your funny stories!). Take care."

"Congratulations Alex (and Daniel).

We love you Al and will always be here for you.  We are very happy for you and can’t wait to see you so we can show you the love.

Sharon, aren’t you and Grandma the same person now?"

"Dearest to be Grandma Sharon,

I’m so excited to hear this news!  I can imagine the news was a bit of a shock to hear from your 21 year old.  I am 30 and still fear my mums reaction if I ever had to tell her I was pregnant and not married (mind you, my mum is a bit more traditional than you).  But I know that you would have been (and still are) super excited once the shock had dissipated.

I have no doubt this baby will be born into a whole lotta love and that Alex will have so much support from those around her.

I wish her all the best during the next 6 or so months.  And I look forward to seeing your millions of photos of peanut when it arrives. 

As always if there’s ever anything I can do please don’t hesitate in contacting me.

Much love."

"wow ! congratulations.. grandma ;D big news indeed, hope alls well with alex and the family units holding firm shazzle. Best wishes in the days ahead to the new addition."

"Congratulations to you all Shaz!  The gift of new life is just that - a gift. The most precious gift ever no matter what the circumstance. You are all truly blessed. Hugs."

"Wonderful, albeit surprising news – hope Alex is feeling well. Will have to start baby shopping/crafting etc etc.

Good luck Nana Shaz"

"Indeed it is a good news and congratulations to Alex and you. It must be a very good feeling going to be a grandma. More resposibilty I guess but for a nice cause.

I hope Alex is keeping well.

I am sure we will get to see lots of photos of Peanut when he/she arrives."

"God Bless & protect Alex & Daniel & "little Peanut" & keep all of you in his loving care! Congratulations to everybody! May he/she brings lots of LOVE, JOY & LAUGHTER into your homes & your hearts!

Lots of love!"

"Whilst it's a big surprise and totallyunexpected this is such exciting news - a new baby in the family!! wow!! We are delighted and can't wait to welcome precious darling 'Peanut'into our family & world!  Babies make everything a little softer,a little sweeter, a lot more loving!
Please tell Alex she has all our love& full support - she'll soon acquire that special glow, its a big adventure,scared excited..slightly breathless proud delighted... beaming, dreaming,making plans...finding clothing that expands...worries? skip'em she'llbe fine glowing girl, she'll shine!!  

Congratulations! "

"oh you lucky lady your going to be a nan.i would love to have some news like that."

"Congratulations everyone!!! You will seriously be absolutely smitten! Good luck learning how to share!"

"Congratulations to Alex & Daniel and to the expecting grandparents. I think I'll be waiting for ever for my grandbabies. Hope it's a healthy happy pregnancy not like nanna Shaz who was sick at the thought of food. Take care looking forward to lots of pics. A little Sagittarius like M :)"

"Ohhh congrats... Wonderful news ... Xxx "

"That is wonderful news Shaz, no matter how unexpected! xxx"

"Congratulations Gramma, and especially to Alex."

"So excited and happy for her :) "

"Congrats Alex and Shaz. No matter what modern society tries to dictate to you, being a mum is surely the greatest thing in the world."

"Congratulations Shaz fantastic news - I am just gathering together my nana jokes to bombard you with at the reunion! "


You guys have totally amazed Alex and me and the rest of our family and I can't thank you enough for the generosity of your positive spirits. We are truly and genuinely blessed to have you in our circle, in our lives and in our hearts.

 

I'M GONNA BE A GRANDMA!

I said this would be honest and so it will be. This last month has seen me derailed, gobsmacked and stunned to know that my eldest child, Alexandra, is going to have a baby. It wasn't listed this far up on the plan.

I spoke to a very, very select few who helped me get perspective and focus on what was really important. And here is what it is important.....not just now, but 21 years ago when I had my own baby.

When I had Alex, I remember saying to her that I would love her unconditionally and I played Chrissie Hynde's "I'll Stand By You" while she was growing in my belly. I also used to listen to Aretha Franklin's "Natural Woman" while I was driving around and I would start crying singing along too but that's another story.

And that still stands....... 

After the inital shock and surprise wained and acceptance replaced that spot, it was time to get the perfunctory details in place like where is this baby going to be born and, more importantly, who is going to have the strength and courage to be beside Alex at the given time. Truth be know'd, my child is not really known for her high pain thresholds.

So we booked in for her first scan and went together. The conversation in the waiting room went like this:

Alex: It's an internal scan so you're not coming with me. That's why I asked Daniel not to come.
Me: Yup, that's fine. I'll wait outside and read their mags.
Alex: I'm serious!! You're so not coming in there with me.
Me: FINE!! I'm really cool with that! Geeze......
Radiologist: Alex? Alex Bailey?
Alex: *pinches my arm*. MUM, COME WITH ME!!!!

This is going to be quite a rollercoaster, this ride with Alex.

So we go into the room and the radiologist gels Alex's tummy up and searches for something, anything and as the waves of black and white images swirl around on the monitor, a small little empty pouch appeared and as she moved the scan around, at the bottom, lying on it's back was PEANUT! Oblivious to it's audience, it bounced around and moved around.....

I silently watched Alex's face change from that look of wariness to one of peace and as she watched her baby move, small little tears trickled down her cheeks and she looked at me and my heart burst at that moment. I held her hand and, at that moment, we knew we were going to be okay with this little soul coming into our lives.

It's not going to be easy - having your first baby never is. Having your first baby on your own is going to be even harder but love does conquer all. Our family - our entire family - have had time to get used to the idea and we're all genuinely excited about this new chapter in our lives.

The dynamic in our family, which has been status quo for the longest time, is about to change as I go from Mum to Grandma, as my Mum goes from Grandma to Great Grandma and my Dad goes from Gampa to Great Gampa.....as my son Adam becomes an Uncle for the first time and my sister and Tania becomes Great Aunts. It's like we are all going to stand up and take one step to the left into our new seats.

As Peanut grows over the next 6 months, so too will our hearts as we all become accustomed to the part we are going to play in it's life.

There is no room for judgement with this situation. As Adam said to me "Mum, it is what it is". Too much time and energy is wasted on the "what if's" and the "should have's". That energy is better positively directed to the well-being of Alex and Peanut - that is where it is of most value.

The Universe has decided that our family is ready and equipped to handle a new little spirit to cherish and love and that's exactly what we're going to do.

So if you can, be happy for Alex, be happy for us and be with us when we welcome this little person into our lives in November!