I submitted my nude folio and I wish I had recorded the verbal feedback so that I could hear it again. I wish I could remember the morsels of positivity that my subconscious says I received or.....am I imagining that?
My internal dialogue asks, "Did I bite off more than I could chew? Was I over-ambitious/over-confident?"
Coming up to presentation, I was feeling excited - proud even - for finishing what I started. It was a difficult concept, a difficult topic and I'm not one to back down from a good challenge. I don't give excuses and I despise people who do that. As Yoda says "Do or do not - there is no try". None of this "I couldn't do it because....." crap - it annoys me when I hear others utter it. And I did....I made it happen.........but obviously not as well as I thought.
I can't believe I've taken the feedback so personally and so sensitively because it's all I can think about. It's all I'm brooding about and it's all I'm feeling sorry for myself about. Yet, I know that it wasn't as bad as I'm making it out to be. I'm turning a bull-ant into a huge monster in my own head....
So now I'm questionning if I'm doing the right thing. Should I just leave this at the hobby level? What am I really expecting to happen? That I'll become this brilliant and successful photographer and all this self-pity will be laughable in retrospect?
And it doesn't matter how many people (who love me) tell me how good my photography is, it's not hitting the target. Of course, they're going to say that - they love me.
I'm not sure what I wanted to hear.....I'm not sure if I might have heard it. I wasn't expecting accolades but I wasn't expecting the slashing that it felt like.
Two assessors: playing bad cop/good cop. My tutor, Neil was the good cop - Craig was the bad cop. Now, at the risk of marginalising Neil's comments, he tends to ice the cake, no matter what it tastes like - it's what he does. He soothes and pacifies - he has his repertoire of encouraging comments and you can almost see him flicking through his invisible book of appropriate feedback so as not to crush/maim/wound because 1) he doesn't want to stifle creativity and 2) he doesn't want to frighten students away - afterall it is a business, running the PSC. Yet underneath, I sometimes see the look of boredom of yet another nude, yet another landscape, yet another blah blah blah ...... and that's when I smile because I know what he's up to. You can see that he wants to say "Look, you take a NICE photo but why don't you just leave it at hobby stage?" but he can't say that. But you know he wants to......
So, is that what he did for me? "First of all, let me say CONGRATULATIONS...." and I can only remember bits and pieces of the rest because all I could hear - on high rotation - were Craig's remarks and with every replay, they became more and more caustic............and I know they weren't really as bad as that. But like a dividing cell, this thing is growing exponentially with my hurt.
It felt like I had finally given birth, and he called my baby 'ugly'.
This was Tuesday and it's now Thursday and I'm doing my best to talk myself out of the cave. It's just a photographic folio - it's not the end of the world - but my party balloon has deflated, my fireworks have fizzled and my cake has sunk in the middle. And it hurts.....
I wear my heart on my sleeve - it's who I am so you may think this outpouring is a tad public and a tad melodramatic but this blog is called exactly that - Honest Exposures.
As is my way, I'll get over this. I know I'll pass this Semester so that's not the worry.
I'll get over this. Probably by Friday.............maybe Saturday.
What were Craig S's comments? Were they spirit slashing or straight forward "constructive" criticisms? Sometimes it takes me a while, to let the hurt fade away, before I can hear and distinguish the difference. (Pooh, Sam needs to go out, and I am typing from my phone... brb to finish.) Lol
ReplyDeleteoi - chin up! You know what - so you aint gonna set the world on fire with your nude work :) Whoopee doo da (said in a sweet loving way)!
ReplyDeleteA massive part of the journey is ruling out what you are not so great at. Narrowing it all down till you find your niche.
So wallow in it, have some diabetic inducing food and then get out and shoot something you love.
FWIW - I don't set the world on fire with any of my work, I always admire the really gifted people out there. But it does no good to compare. And I make a reasonable living out of not setting the world on fire :)
So sorry about that... I am at my computer now and might have better success with my brain to finger to brain connection.
ReplyDeleteSometimes the harshest criticisms I have received have been the words to inspire me to strive for brilliance, and sometimes it has crushed my creative spirit, and broken my desire. Neil obviously gets that, but his advice and approval, while is easier to digest, may not be the words you need to hear at this point in your career. Craig, on the other hand, needs to be spanked for his lack of soft skills when delivering critical feedback. If, Craig offered no constructive feedback as to how you could improve, or why your work didn't set well, disregard every essence of what he had to say as though it were mere spectator's opinion and/or preference as his professional worth is nil. What good is a professional's expertise if they are no good at teaching and inspiring others to greatness?
From my perspective you have an amazing eye. You take photographs of people, places and objects that others can’t because their eyes do not see as your eyes.
I can feel your torment over the feedback as it reminds me of when I finally allowed someone to read my writing. He was a professional in the literary world, and I too sought advice from someone that was in the know. I hesitated to share, but I moved forward with allowing him to peek inside me, and read a piece. The feedback was ugly and I spent most my life protecting that wound by never allowing anyone else to see my writing. Lately, through my educational and work experience there have been a few people who have urged me to 'write' for a living.
Don't do what I've done. Don't allow too much time to pass before you let it go - just kiss it and let it go. Take from Craig's words any nuance of criticism that you think may help you move forward, and let the rest evaporate into the cosmos.
By the way, dearest friend, if art, is art, by only being noted by one person as such - you are an artist! I did not see your nude-folio (been a little self-absorbed lately - I'm sorry), but now I want to see it!