TURNING 50!

Today I turn 50 years old and it is a reflective time. I am thrilled to be 50 - especially when the alternative sucks a bit, don't you think? 50 isn't old....it's 50! That's what it is....

So what does being 50 mean to me? Not much different to being 49...or 48...or 51... we place such superficial meaning to the BIG numbers that I'm not sure what it REALLY means.

I have had a fantastic life with the promise of more of the same. There have been great times - BRILLIANT times - and there have been not-so-great times and today? I have no regrets. Not many anyway.

Not one to be hung up on the way I look or don't look ( and THAT'S quite obvious....hehehehe), I just wanted to get here and turn around to look at my past and be proud, relieved, happy, confused, reflective and...... I am all of those feelings and then some.

The one thing that has struck me most is how different my life turned out to the pattern I thought I was following. I had this image of what my life would be like when I was younger.....and it hasn't really been anything like that, much to my relief.

I pictured myself being married to a dentist and living in Glen Iris (I have NO IDEA where that idea came from) with two kids that went to exclusive schools. I didn't really go anywhere or do anything - I was just married.....to a dentist.... a faceless dentist with two faceless kids.

Instead I married an entrepreneur/appliance mechanic/airpropeller mechanic/photographer/rogue and had an exciting albeit unpredictable life with two children who have since proved to be anything but "by the book". I divorced the said entrepreneur (our time was up - no regrets at all) and married a wonderful, nerdy, geeky, Star Wars loving IT consultant who is nothing like I imagined my life-partner to be. I didn't imagine being married twice, after all...... I have been blessed. Twice! Some people don't find love at all in this life and I have been very blessed to have found it twice.....

I am a Mum to two very individual beings who have their own codes of how they want to lead their lives and none of it - NONE OF IT - fits the template I had made for them when they were born. Strong, loving, independently-thinking children who dance the twist when everyone else is doing the waltz.....in a strange confusing way that I'm still trying to work out, I am so proud of their individuality. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH!!

I am a daughter to two very amazing people. As 50 turns another chapter in my book, I appreciate and love my parents so much more than I ever have. We've had our moments - no Bill Cosby Show, this family of ours - but the lessons they've taught me (indirectly and directly) are treasured and valued. My mother's strength and character - her zest for life - her creativity and desire to be HAPPY and find JOY in all things - to not accept anything as NORMAL and to roll with the punches, dust yourself off and move forward? Her ability to run to the lemon tree 20 times and back to "shake off" the rather large heart attack she was having? I can't write a book of all the lessons she's taught me - she's led by example. She's not perfect in any way but she's my Mum and she's a package - good and bad. I love ALL that about her and more and accept the things I don't.

My Dad is my hero. My sense of humour and naughtiness? - they're all from him. His special gift to me and my sister. The ability to LAUGH and make other people LAUGH (even if it is AT us and not WITH us), his intelligence and wisdom, his insightfulness - his stupid dance moves and funny faces......nobody else by my Dad could have given those to me. LOVE him so much - warts and all. I know his sins, I know his virtues, I know I love him always and unconditionally.

I am a sister to the most amazing human being I could ever meet. That my heart fills with so much love for her whenever I think about her is a gift in itself. I DID ask my parents for a walky-talky doll but she'll have to do. She understands me like nobody else has or will ever and we are almost twins in thought and feeling but not in looks....or body shape....or knees....or teeth....or taste in fashion/decor etc. But definitely twins in everything else........maybe not sexuality....but everything else. Or shoes. She wears ugly shoes, man.

I am a grandmother to a beautiful soulful energetic happy little boy who has filled my veins with so much love that typing this is making me teary-eyed. I didn't imagine this either and I would not swap it for anything in this life or the next. He is......... my love. In that tiny part of my heart that is so precious and pure, he sits there....where no-one else can ever be. He has my DNA (except the white bit - the kid ain't got no BROWN??!!), he is part of me and he takes that part into the future, where I won't and don't belong.

See? As I write this, I feel like I have an abundance of gifts that I never thought I would ever have. So much love and laughter in this life that I don't need anything else to be happy (an iPad would be good though).

   

If everything in my life were to disappear - my wonderful job, my loyal and fantastic friends, my untidy and cluttered home - it sincerely wouldn't matter because I have everything I need to make me happy without them. I'd miss my CD collection though - just saying.

I am happy. I am happy to turn 50. I'll be happy to turn 51 next year, 52 the year after...... but I'm happy to be 50. I don't feel old. I don't know what old feels like yet. I feel like I've arrived and this is where I'm meant to be. Graced with ever-increasing grey hair, eyesight and earsight reducing, can't get off the floor in a hurry but still got all my own teeth and......not one filling (thanks Dad - got that from you too!).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6Sxv-sUYtM

Honesty: Am I Being Rude?

Just lately I've found myself in situations where my honesty could possibly be misconstrued as rude and that bothers me.

There's that thin line between being open and honest - which I LOVE in other people - and that place where people who enjoy honesty are just blunt, tactless and rude.

So where is that invisible border between saying it like it is and saying it when it shouldn't be said?

Examples:

Honesty: If you don't like the way your life is, why don't you make changes to be where you WANT to be?
Rude: SHUT the #### up!! I am really REALLY tired of hearing your incessant whining and complaining - shuuuuuuut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!!!

Honesty: You look much nicer in the red number.
Rude: Have you paid your electricity bill or did you get dressed in the dark on purpose?

Honesty: I reckon it's your shout, sweetie/mate and I'll have a.......
Rude: Listen up tightarse, how come you're always broke/poor/skint when we go out??? Why do you come out if you've got no money???

Honesty: I honestly like to spend time on my own. I really do enjoy my own company.
Rude: I'd rather poke myself in the eye with a rusty teaspoon than spend any more time than I have to with you.

Honesty: Size DOES matter.
Rude: Ohhhhhh how sweet, you brought an incense stick.

Honesty: Ohhhhh you (followed by)..................I don't believe you (laughing nervously).
Rude: You're full of shit. You're always full of shit.

Honesty: Your baby looks sooooooooo intelligent!!
Rude: THAT is one ugly little bubs - fell off the top branch of the ugly tree, did he?

You get my drift, right? I like being honest. Honesty is that suburb not many people visit but my train ALWAYS stops all stations on that line. I connect best with people who don't embellish the truth (or, at least, admit to embellishing the truth in order to make a boring story, interesting).

So...........if my honesty offends, I like to apologise because that is never my intention - to offend. My intention is not to lie as much as possible - plain and simple. I don't like or enjoy lying. I don't like telling you that what I'm  listening to falling from your mouth is enjoyable when it isn't. Of course, I'll inject my own humour to dull the blow but I like to live on a clean canvas.

Diplomacy is something I'm trying to master but it's really hard when the only language you speak is honesty.

Truth is (oh here I go again....), everybody lies - just not ALL the time. So, if we're friends, let me know if you'd rather me continue being honest or if you want the alternatives : lying to you or, worse, being rude. I don't want to do either but let's both be on the same page, yeah?

By the way, you've got spinach in your teeth and your husband is a sleezy creep.......

2012

 

Well, that was one hell of an unexpected turn but I wouldn't have it any other way. 2012 ... had it's shit bits, had it's brilliant bits and I LOVE the fact that there are the two to compare and add balance in my life.

So Alex announced she's pregnant shortly after her 21st birthday and not in the most ideal circumstances. As honesty is my internal tattoo, I have to say that I was gutted. I had made some pretty tight sacrifices with my own life so that she could have a "better" one and this situation was everything I feared and yet, here it was, right in my face - breaking my heart to pieces. Yes, I sat on the floor of my bathroom and cried for three days. My tears were not for me, they were for her and for a life I felt she was cutting short to accept a situation that was unprepared and unplanned for. I had trouble accepting her decision to keep the baby but soldiered on because what other choice did I have? Watching her pregnancy develop and progress was even harder for me as there came a point when I knew there was no turning back. And that day arrived and I did what I had to do which was go about healing the wound in my heart and be there for her.

Then my Mum, healthy as all hell, had a massive heart attack and rocked our worlds. This, too, wasn't expected and if Alex's news pulled the rug out from under me, Mum's heart attack dropped a hole in the floor and I felt like I was falling through it. I had moments where I watched my life from the outside and I do remember thinking "THIS is not MY life". I had not planned on any of this and there was a point where life got too busy and complicated and I DID wonder how I got through each day.

Fast forward to November 16. My Mum is slowly recovering from open heart surgery which went really well but the recovery, didn't go as well as planned. So complications started arising as did the tail end of Alex's pregnancy. Pre-eclampsia and all it's wondrous complications started to rear its ugly head. I spent days driving to work, to one hospital with Alex, to another where my Mum was. Came home, slammed my body into deep sleep and started all over again.

And then life changed! I was with Alex through her labour, the plethora of tests she had, the tears she cried....and finally the birth of her first baby and I cannot find sufficient words to say how my heart swelled with pride for her when she bore Cohen into our world, into our family, into my heart. I was scared for her as she was in terrible pain and fear but I also knew we were a team and no matter what happened, we'd get through this together......and we did.

I can't remember much else about 2012 because these two things took up the majority of my worry, my concern, my fear, my happiness, my joy, my elation and that kinda eclipsed any other memories. I'm sure I did other things - Sydney for my sister's 40th birthday (oh yes, there WAS the spa incident - it's coming back to me) and there was the gorgeous long weekend down the Murray River in South Australia with my Contiki mates from 25 years ago (I think the boobs were aired there too....).

So now, life is about changing nappies and burping little Pinkle Nuts and, as obsessed as I am with him, life will ever be the same again. My Mum and Dad are besotted, my maternally bankrupt sister is addicted and stupidly in love, my son had just melted and gone gooey over his namesake. That all our lives have changed for the better for the arrival of our beautiful boy, Cohen, is a gross understatement.

A new love has grown. A new and brilliant reason to be happy. To watch my Mum and Dad's faces light up when Cohen visits them? PRICELESS! They're reduced to mushy slush and there is an air of purity around all of us - like the reason we were all created in the first place was to provide a soft landing for him, all along. Like we're in a force field of love and worries, fears and angers cannot penetrate this space where Cohen is and we are, individually and collectively, better people for him.

Truth is life hasn't changed at all. I look up from Cohen long enough to see that very little has changed - it's me. I've changed. I've rediscovered that my heart can beat faster for another human being. That my soul is a different being for this new generation that we all helped bring into the world.

Whatever life was? It isn't the same and will never be.....nor should it be.

Goals change, priorities change, the pace of life changes.....and it's all good. I have no idea what 2013 has to bring but I have a tremendous smile on my face and in my heart. Mum is slowly progressing - any progress is good, in my opinion....and if life is never the same again, that's fine too because it's nowhere near bad right now - just different!

I look at Cohen now and cannot believe there was a time that I didn't want him in my life - because I hadn't met him yet. My life would have progressed because it's not my style to stagnate but - WOW!! - little man, you've just rocked my world and I cannot thank Alex enough for bringing him into all our lives.

It's funny now, isn't it? I refer to Alex's pregnancy as "unplanned" when what I should say is "unplanned by us but planned by the Universe". I believe the Universe brought Cohen to us for a very specific reason and I can't thank the Universe enough for doing that.....whatever that reason is.

Love my family to bits!!

XX

Hurt

So all I can remember are the bad things. All I can hear are the comments I have chosen to perceive as negative and every time I repeat them in my head, I cringe a little more. My ego is foetal right now and my spirit, which normally hops and skips, is bent over with hurt. Melodramatic? A little.

I submitted my nude folio and I wish I had recorded the verbal feedback so that I could hear it again. I wish I could remember the morsels of positivity that my subconscious says I received or.....am I imagining that?

My internal dialogue asks, "Did I bite off more than I could chew? Was I over-ambitious/over-confident?"

Coming up to presentation, I was feeling excited - proud even - for finishing what I started. It was a difficult concept, a difficult topic and I'm not one to back down from a good challenge. I don't give excuses and I despise people who do that. As Yoda says "Do or do not - there is no try". None of this "I couldn't do it because....." crap - it annoys me when I hear others utter it. And I did....I made it happen.........but obviously not as well as I thought.

I can't believe I've taken the feedback so personally and so sensitively because it's all I can think about. It's all I'm brooding about and it's all I'm feeling sorry for myself about. Yet, I know that it wasn't as bad as I'm making it out to be. I'm turning a bull-ant into a huge monster in my own head....

So now I'm questionning if I'm doing the right thing. Should I just leave this at the hobby level? What am I really expecting to happen? That I'll become this brilliant and successful photographer and all this self-pity will be laughable in retrospect?

And it doesn't matter how many people (who love me) tell me how good my photography is, it's not hitting the target. Of course, they're going to say that - they love me.

I'm not sure what I wanted to hear.....I'm not sure if I might have heard it. I wasn't expecting accolades but I wasn't expecting the slashing that it felt like.

Two assessors: playing bad cop/good cop. My tutor, Neil was the good cop - Craig was the bad cop. Now, at the risk of marginalising Neil's comments, he tends to ice the cake, no matter what it tastes like - it's what he does. He soothes and pacifies - he has his repertoire of encouraging comments and you can almost see him flicking through his invisible book of appropriate feedback so as not to crush/maim/wound because 1) he doesn't want to stifle creativity and 2) he doesn't want to frighten students away - afterall it is a business, running the PSC. Yet underneath, I sometimes see the look of boredom of yet another nude, yet another landscape, yet another blah blah blah ...... and that's when I smile because I know what he's up to. You can see that he wants to say "Look, you take a NICE photo but why don't you just leave it at hobby stage?" but he can't say that. But you know he wants to......

So, is that what he did for me? "First of all, let me say CONGRATULATIONS...." and I can only remember bits and pieces of the rest because all I could hear - on high rotation - were Craig's remarks and with every replay, they became more and more caustic............and I know they weren't really as bad as that. But like a dividing cell, this thing is growing exponentially with my hurt.

It felt like I had finally given birth, and he called my baby 'ugly'.

This was Tuesday and it's now Thursday and I'm doing my best to talk myself out of the cave. It's just a photographic folio - it's not the end of the world - but my party balloon has deflated, my fireworks have fizzled and my cake has sunk in the middle. And it hurts.....

I wear my heart on my sleeve - it's who I am so you may think this outpouring is a tad public and a tad melodramatic but this blog is called exactly that - Honest Exposures.

As is my way, I'll get over this. I know I'll pass this Semester so that's not the worry.

I'll get over this. Probably by Friday.............maybe Saturday.

My Favourite Child

I think it's quite funny in that really annoying way when people talk about having a favourite child almost like it's an accepted thing and maybe, for you....or you....or even you, having a favourite child exists but it DOES NOT exist for me and I'll tell you why....

I have two very different children, born and bred and brought up in the same house with the same influences but so very different from each other. Of course, there are familiar traits but they are chalk and cheese personality wise......and I connect with those very differences which changes the dynamics of the individual relationships that I have with each of them.

With my eldest, I have placed responsibilities that I probably didn't place on my youngest so I have an expectation from her that I don't have with my son - maybe I should or shouldn't, who knows but that's what is.

Alex and I connect sideways, not head on. Let me explain. She is a fiery individual with very strong ideas (right or wrong) so very rarely does she ask for my advice because, invariably, my advice isn't something that she would take anyway. However, she talks to me about what's going on in her life almost documentary style - as if she's letting me know what's going on rather than asking me which road to take. She will ask my opinion, rarely my advice. Alex can handle herself in life and even if she can't, she's good at faking it. She is black and white. Impulsive. Reactive. Hehe.

Adam, on the other hand, is a sensitive soul - a poet soul who sees all the shades and tones of grey - he has no qualms about showing his feelings openly. He is a deep-thinking individual who watches and takes everything in. He doesn't need the spotlight all the time but he'll watch who's in it and studies their behaviour. He is charismatic with humour and charm and people are drawn to him automatically.

I connect with Adam on a more spiritual level because he and I are about feelings. We connect with music - he teaches me and I teach him about new music. I can read his face and know exactly what he's feeling so he can't hide from me. Alex, on the other hand, is very good at smoke and mirrors so I have to wait until she stands in front of me and tells me where she's at.

On that basis, people think I have a favourite child and I cannot tell you in more explicit words that I DO NOT. I just have different relationships with each one. I love them differently but equally. I love one person's strength of character.....I love the other one's sensitivity. I love both their unique senses of humour - I laugh AT one child, I laugh WITH the other. I worry about each one differently....

I express my love for each of my wonderful children differently because they ARE different. So when you see me hugging one child frequently and not the other one? Please......THAT child likes and welcomes the affection whereas the other one isn't touchy/feely and doesn't like public displays of affection.

I get offended when people talk about favourite children because my heart is a kaleidoscope of love that moves and changes for each of my children. My life's painting would be incomplete and empty without either of them in it and they both have their individual place on that canvas.

When Alex was born, half of my heart jumped out and started beating in hers and that will never change. When Adam was born, the other half of my heart jumped into his and between the two of them, they made me a complete soul.

Sometimes one half of that heart beats louder for one child than the other - out of worry, concern, happiness, sadness because their lives operate at different wavelengths and that's how I react to them - every mother is like this, I suspect.

That's how it is for me......so when someone accuses me of having a favourite child, in essence, you are telling me that only half of me is functioning...... and that offends me.

So to BOTH my beautiful, precious, cherished children..... I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU BOTH not the same but equally. I hug Adam because he likes being hugged, Alex doesn't....I shop with Alex because she likes shopping.....I listen to music with Adam because we like exploring and finding new music.....I watch tear-jerking movies with Alex because that's what we do...we watch Grey's Anatomy and The Piano together - always have. Alex and I read similar books.....Adam and I love spinach pasta.......and on and on it goes......

I laugh with Alex because we find the same things funny, I laugh at Adam because he makes me laugh.

Your Dad and I are very different people who have our own individual strengths and weaknesses and you love us differently - not more, not less - just differently. And that's okay to do that.

(I know that you laugh at my jokes more because I am funnier than your Dad....and that's okay to admit that publically!)

People, You AMAZE Me!

So you've all received the news that Alex is going to have a baby and let me say that she is quite gobsmacked and a little overwhelmed with all the genuine expressions of love, acceptance and support that she and I have received.

Without naming names and to protect privacies, I won't quote you but if you are wondering just how much love has been wished and sent? This is just 24 hours worth. Can you imagine how much she's going to receive in 6 months, 6 years, 6 decades time? I'm overwhelmed as well!!

Alex, my gorgeous girl, you are loved so very much by so many people and if you ever doubt that, I have put all these comments up for you so that you can read it and KNOW.

"Of course every new little life will be loved by me and I hope I can share in his/her future life in the family. Congratulations to grandma and grandpa and of course to Alex and Daniel."

"That’s lovely news.  I am sure this baby will be the most spoiled, cuddled and photographed child ever.  What a year you have had!

"Oh glorious Shaz. Best wishes to the prospective mum."

"Wow! Amazing news. How exciting. Peanut will certainly be coming into a family full of love and support and what more could a child really need?"

"Hey, just thought that through a little further….you are going to be the coolest Grandma/Nanna ever!"

"That's fantastic news send our love and congratulations to Alex & Daniel we look forward to some photos in the near future."

"OH MY GOD!!!  I'm gob smacked!!! 

"Is Alex still living at home?  Last time we spoke I'm sure she was.  Wow, life as you knew it is about to change - big time.  I only hope she has some idea exactly what she is getting herself in for.  Nothing can prepare you, but doing in on your own right rom the beginning is going to be a real challenge for all of you.

When I look at X and think there is only 16 months between them, she would be no where near ready to parent a child, she is still a little girl in so many ways.

Good luck, I hope she has blissful pregnancy."

"Hi guys, congrats to you all. Just a quick word to say if there is anything I can help with, clothes , furniture even emotional support for anything just yell. xx"

"When I read the subject line I must admit I paused briefly and took a breath in preparation for...

What good news! I can imagine the shock and the many phases of emotion you have experienced, but you sound at peace, with a heart full of love. How is Alex? Is she excited or nervous? Did she take you by the hand and insist you sit to hear the news?

After reading your email I poured another cup of coffee and reflected over the nearly 22 years that I've been a mom. I asked if knowing what I know now would I be as brave as Alex... would I accept the responsibility? There have been some scary and tough times, but being X's mom has been the most rewarding and awe inspiring experience of my life.  I think if our kids understand that once you have a child your life isn't your own anymore, and that you must be willing to put that child's needs ahead of your own for at least the next quarter century - we can't go back or be granted a do-over.

Thank you for sharing  your special news. My love, support and excitement belong to you as you discover the joys of being a grandparent, and my mother's spirit to Alex as she crosses this wonderful threshold into a whole new world.

You know, Peanut, might decide to make his/her entrance on the 24th. <wink w/ a smile>

Please let me know what Alex's nursery colors will be as soon as you know. I am overjoyed that I have a reason to make a new quilt. Yay!

My love to you all! Hugs and kisses... "

"So happy our little 'peanut' is going to have another little 'peanut' to play with! What a precious Christmas present for your family. Can't wait to meet him/her!!! All our love"

"Naw. This email made me smile. 
:-D

Happy for all and best wishes"

"Sharon, you have such a gifted sense of humor! And it comes out when you speak and when you write.

Thanks so much for sharing the news with us. So exciting that you are all going into a new season; great grandma, grandma and ma! We wish you all the best and God's hand of blessing and protection on the whole household, especially Alex, Daniel and the little precious one. Please keep us in the loop and we would love to celebrate with you all when the baby arrives (and laugh a little at your funny stories!). Take care."

"Congratulations Alex (and Daniel).

We love you Al and will always be here for you.  We are very happy for you and can’t wait to see you so we can show you the love.

Sharon, aren’t you and Grandma the same person now?"

"Dearest to be Grandma Sharon,

I’m so excited to hear this news!  I can imagine the news was a bit of a shock to hear from your 21 year old.  I am 30 and still fear my mums reaction if I ever had to tell her I was pregnant and not married (mind you, my mum is a bit more traditional than you).  But I know that you would have been (and still are) super excited once the shock had dissipated.

I have no doubt this baby will be born into a whole lotta love and that Alex will have so much support from those around her.

I wish her all the best during the next 6 or so months.  And I look forward to seeing your millions of photos of peanut when it arrives. 

As always if there’s ever anything I can do please don’t hesitate in contacting me.

Much love."

"wow ! congratulations.. grandma ;D big news indeed, hope alls well with alex and the family units holding firm shazzle. Best wishes in the days ahead to the new addition."

"Congratulations to you all Shaz!  The gift of new life is just that - a gift. The most precious gift ever no matter what the circumstance. You are all truly blessed. Hugs."

"Wonderful, albeit surprising news – hope Alex is feeling well. Will have to start baby shopping/crafting etc etc.

Good luck Nana Shaz"

"Indeed it is a good news and congratulations to Alex and you. It must be a very good feeling going to be a grandma. More resposibilty I guess but for a nice cause.

I hope Alex is keeping well.

I am sure we will get to see lots of photos of Peanut when he/she arrives."

"God Bless & protect Alex & Daniel & "little Peanut" & keep all of you in his loving care! Congratulations to everybody! May he/she brings lots of LOVE, JOY & LAUGHTER into your homes & your hearts!

Lots of love!"

"Whilst it's a big surprise and totallyunexpected this is such exciting news - a new baby in the family!! wow!! We are delighted and can't wait to welcome precious darling 'Peanut'into our family & world!  Babies make everything a little softer,a little sweeter, a lot more loving!
Please tell Alex she has all our love& full support - she'll soon acquire that special glow, its a big adventure,scared excited..slightly breathless proud delighted... beaming, dreaming,making plans...finding clothing that expands...worries? skip'em she'llbe fine glowing girl, she'll shine!!  

Congratulations! "

"oh you lucky lady your going to be a nan.i would love to have some news like that."

"Congratulations everyone!!! You will seriously be absolutely smitten! Good luck learning how to share!"

"Congratulations to Alex & Daniel and to the expecting grandparents. I think I'll be waiting for ever for my grandbabies. Hope it's a healthy happy pregnancy not like nanna Shaz who was sick at the thought of food. Take care looking forward to lots of pics. A little Sagittarius like M :)"

"Ohhh congrats... Wonderful news ... Xxx "

"That is wonderful news Shaz, no matter how unexpected! xxx"

"Congratulations Gramma, and especially to Alex."

"So excited and happy for her :) "

"Congrats Alex and Shaz. No matter what modern society tries to dictate to you, being a mum is surely the greatest thing in the world."

"Congratulations Shaz fantastic news - I am just gathering together my nana jokes to bombard you with at the reunion! "


You guys have totally amazed Alex and me and the rest of our family and I can't thank you enough for the generosity of your positive spirits. We are truly and genuinely blessed to have you in our circle, in our lives and in our hearts.

 

I'M GONNA BE A GRANDMA!

I said this would be honest and so it will be. This last month has seen me derailed, gobsmacked and stunned to know that my eldest child, Alexandra, is going to have a baby. It wasn't listed this far up on the plan.

I spoke to a very, very select few who helped me get perspective and focus on what was really important. And here is what it is important.....not just now, but 21 years ago when I had my own baby.

When I had Alex, I remember saying to her that I would love her unconditionally and I played Chrissie Hynde's "I'll Stand By You" while she was growing in my belly. I also used to listen to Aretha Franklin's "Natural Woman" while I was driving around and I would start crying singing along too but that's another story.

And that still stands....... 

After the inital shock and surprise wained and acceptance replaced that spot, it was time to get the perfunctory details in place like where is this baby going to be born and, more importantly, who is going to have the strength and courage to be beside Alex at the given time. Truth be know'd, my child is not really known for her high pain thresholds.

So we booked in for her first scan and went together. The conversation in the waiting room went like this:

Alex: It's an internal scan so you're not coming with me. That's why I asked Daniel not to come.
Me: Yup, that's fine. I'll wait outside and read their mags.
Alex: I'm serious!! You're so not coming in there with me.
Me: FINE!! I'm really cool with that! Geeze......
Radiologist: Alex? Alex Bailey?
Alex: *pinches my arm*. MUM, COME WITH ME!!!!

This is going to be quite a rollercoaster, this ride with Alex.

So we go into the room and the radiologist gels Alex's tummy up and searches for something, anything and as the waves of black and white images swirl around on the monitor, a small little empty pouch appeared and as she moved the scan around, at the bottom, lying on it's back was PEANUT! Oblivious to it's audience, it bounced around and moved around.....

I silently watched Alex's face change from that look of wariness to one of peace and as she watched her baby move, small little tears trickled down her cheeks and she looked at me and my heart burst at that moment. I held her hand and, at that moment, we knew we were going to be okay with this little soul coming into our lives.

It's not going to be easy - having your first baby never is. Having your first baby on your own is going to be even harder but love does conquer all. Our family - our entire family - have had time to get used to the idea and we're all genuinely excited about this new chapter in our lives.

The dynamic in our family, which has been status quo for the longest time, is about to change as I go from Mum to Grandma, as my Mum goes from Grandma to Great Grandma and my Dad goes from Gampa to Great Gampa.....as my son Adam becomes an Uncle for the first time and my sister and Tania becomes Great Aunts. It's like we are all going to stand up and take one step to the left into our new seats.

As Peanut grows over the next 6 months, so too will our hearts as we all become accustomed to the part we are going to play in it's life.

There is no room for judgement with this situation. As Adam said to me "Mum, it is what it is". Too much time and energy is wasted on the "what if's" and the "should have's". That energy is better positively directed to the well-being of Alex and Peanut - that is where it is of most value.

The Universe has decided that our family is ready and equipped to handle a new little spirit to cherish and love and that's exactly what we're going to do.

So if you can, be happy for Alex, be happy for us and be with us when we welcome this little person into our lives in November!